Fitz-ale. So strickt that none of us have been a-bed to-night, that's the trueth on't. I beleeve, since the Conquest, St. Peter had never a merrier eve observed.
Ladyes. Pray, Sir John, favour us to let us heare some of the mirth.
Fitz-ale. Why, ladies, yesterday we Cheshire gentlemen mett at a barrell of ale at the bull-ring where we sufficiently bayted both bull and barrell; and having well dranke there, staved and tayled, till 5 a-clock i' th' afternoon, wee were invited to the Justice's; where being come into the great hall wee mett for a good omen the servants labouring at heaving into the cellar a teirce of French wine, newly brought by the barge from Chester. Faith! we had a frolique, and voted it (nemine contradicente) to have itt sett abroach in the midest of the hall. To worke we goe, and we four knights mount the tierce, bestride it, like the quarter files[1358] d'Amond upon one horse. Then we dranke his Majestie's health, the Queen's, and the royall family: then, faire ladies, (he bowes) your two healths; then, our mistresses: then, God knows who—till the cooke knockt for supper. So the tierce was reprieved till after supper, a guard sett over it. As wee were going to sitt downe to supper in the parlour a sudden quarrell arose between Sir Fastidious Overween and Captain Quarelsome about precedency. To cuffs they fell, all in confusion; the ladies cryed out, Sir Fastidious' great periwig was throwne into the fire and made an abominable stinke.
Sir Eubule[1359]. Blesse me! What unheard of rudenesse! This to be donne at a gentleman's house and by gentlemen, senators, parliamentary justices of the peace!
Sir J. Fitz-ale. In this scuffle the chiape of Capt. Quarelsome's sword hitcht in the cubboard of glasses: downe came all the glasses of the butler with a most dreadfull esclate. But this is not all—the cross-bar[1360] of Sir Fastidious' sword hitchd in my old ladie's vaile and pluckt it off, together with her periwig, and showed her poor bald old death's head.
Sir Eubule. Lord blesse me!
Sir J. Fitz-ale. The Justice and I struck in between 'em and parted 'em, and, with something more trouble then staving and tayling dog and bull[1361], they were reconciled and sate down opposite to each other. To a noble supper we sate downe.
After supper desert was brought. My country gentlemen catcht and snatchd like schoolboies and gobbt up the sweetmeats like ducks, and.... And being very drunke, some putt even marmalade into their pocketts. A noble carpet in the parlour trayled on the ground, which with their dirty bootes they made the faire edge and bordure as dirty as a woman's saddlecloth.
Supper being ended, faith! the justice would have the tother bout at the butt for a confirmation of friendship[1362] between the two antagonists. I could not refuse to help carry on such a good worke of charity. So we drank friendly on till 2 a-clock i' th' morning. By that time you may well thinke our braines were well warmd. We sung[1363], hooped, hallowd, jubilled—set the cennell of hounds all in a larum. We had the wenches and all the servants of the house to participate in the great jubilee.
Well, about daybrake 'twas the generall vote for the unhinging of the cellar dore and throwe it from the precipice of the cliffe into the Dee. The good old dore, that haz turnd on his hinges for these two centuries of yeares in the dayes of his hospitable ancestors, was taken downe, and by four tall fellowes borne to the cliffe. Hautboies[1364] loud musique playd before; the bearers followed; and then came the chiefe mourners, the butler, brewer, and pantler, weeping with blubbered eies for the decease of that had turnd out and doubled in the dayes of his hospitable ancestors:—'it was an ill omen[1365] of the fall of that ancient family.'