From this, very likely, followed all the false worship and gallantry of the barbarians; who still, keeping up this mode of treating women as superior in excellency, could scarcely deny to them a superior place in the family. Assumed to be absolutely chaste and pure, they are to be implicitly trusted—nor to them is there impropriety! Hence follows the fine Art exhibitions—the undress dress; the waltz; the mixed crowds—the everything, where women, according to the ordinary feelings of cultivated men, should not be, or be in a very different way. But the man before marriage, and afterwards, too, (excepting to his own wife), pretends to look upon woman as a divinity—as something far above him in moral goodness! After marriage, it is difficult to dethrone this divinity—the man has not a divinity at the head of his family; but all his friends (male friends) pretend to think so; Society says so; and he is himself compelled to pretend to the same thing. Under these circumstances he will never be likely to get much obedience. None the less, a struggle commences; the man persistent, strong; the woman unyielding, crafty; the family divided; the children demoralized; a false and wretched farce of conjugal Play, so badly acted as to deceive not even Society! and finally ending in the Divorce Court.
This is the tribunal where Causes Matrimonial are settled; and, if one may judge from its Reports in the Gazette, conjugal contention is exceedingly common. For the public cases must be few, compared with those where publicity is avoided by private arrangement.
Doubtless, a fine man and an excellent woman may unite, and live happily together, in spite of the unfavourable conditions. But, more commonly, the high-minded man, really believing in the superior purity of the sex, and her greater moral delicacy, finds his Ideal to be too high; and without absolute cause to quarrel; in fact, seeing that his Ideal was itself only an error of the prevailing delusion; ever after struggles to bring himself into harmony with the existing fact—to love and respect a woman and only a woman, with a woman's vanity, love of excitement, frivolity and caprice—a very weary work. The woman, too, still flattered, and exacting the devotion which her lover (now her husband) gave to her in his days of delusion, thinks herself treated with coldness; and, gradually, by her unreasonable complaints, estranges altogether the husband, whom she, too, tries to forget, in the admiration, flatteries, and excitements of Society!
The affectation and falsity, therefore, respecting woman, tends to a fundamental error in the relation of the sexes and the ordering of the family. It is a strange and almost fatal error to give this exaltation to woman. No doubt, a real trust and respect tend to secure, in some degree, the virtues accorded; and this true respect of an honest man, who places his wife, or his relative, before himself in purity, challenges the best of nature in the female. But man has reversed the true order, and run counter to the true instinct of the race (quite as strong in the female as in himself), when he thus puts woman before him, in anything. What authority is there for this reversal of the natural order? Why is woman more moral, more chaste? There is nothing in the nature of things, why the man, here, as in all things, should not be, as he is, the superior—the master. In morals he should be her guide, her teacher, her best support. That Society is, indeed, unsound, wherein the man may be low and sensual, and fancy, or pretend to fancy, that the woman is better than himself—it is a delusion. Man gives the real character to any Society—the woman will not be, cannot be better than the man. The English Barbarians, in spite of the absurd falsity of their customs, must have some tolerably happy families. The innate perception of the eternal fitness of things will cause many couples to arrive at a proper method. The wife, without exactly admitting it, even to herself, submits to her husband; and the husband, without exactly commanding (except in rare instances), feels that he is really the head of the house—and the family gets on pretty smoothly, because living in the natural order. But, in general, the struggle for mastery destroys either the existence of the family, or all attempts at affectionate ways of living. To avoid public scandal, the members do not actually separate; but all harmony and true domestic life are lost—and life is a dismal and disorderly rout.
The exaltation of the sex and the complete freedom allowed to them belong to a state of society, if any such there be, where man is still more excellent. There, indeed, a bright and beautiful ideal is made real, and men and women know how to love and to obey; and love is as true as the respect and the obedience. The Barbarians, full of immorality, of rudeness, of strong passions, of selfishness, controlled by a false conception founded in their Idolatry, act, in respect of their women, as if purity, cultivation, generosity, and the highest morality, everywhere existed! This, so false, is well-nigh fatal to them. Yet, it is only an illustration of the uncultivated and confused state of mind, even in the highest, that so simple a thing as the natural order governing the relation of sex and family is not comprehended; and that their Society is saved from absolute wreck only by the strong and controlling instinct of nature, which, in spite of obstacles, does bring the female into subjection to the male—at least to an extent sufficient to make life possible!
None the less the disorder of households is dreadful. Sons and daughters, as they grow strong, assert themselves [Quan-hang-ho]. They act and speak (and in this follow the wife and mother) as if the sole business of the father was to give the means of selfish, idle indulgence. This would not be so unjust among the High-Caste, but it descends to all grades, and the middle orders are content to see the father toil at his business till overworked, or ruined altogether, in his efforts to supply these daily exactions. No doubt he himself is a victim to the whole vicious falseness—yet the cold-bloodedness of this conduct on the part of children and wives is remarkable. "Obedience," or "gratitude!"—Words sneered at, laughed at!
The daughters, directed by Mamma [na-ni-go], are taught to dress, to look modest, to practise all those arts by which they may attract the male and secure husbands, and are exhibited in public places and in Society accordingly.
The sons are sent off to be taught. In the Halls of Learning they acquire but little of the knowledge paid for in the Lists, but a great deal of that which does not appear there. A youth may have entered, at least, honest, moral, and generous—he still leaves unlearned, but dishonest, corrupt, selfish—he has acquired that knowledge most sought for (even by his parents), a knowledge of the World [Quang]! In truth, the youth instinctively feels that it is better for his success in life to know the World than to know Letters. He acts upon this feeling, which thrives in the demoralised atmosphere which he breathes. Father is called Governor, and is regarded as a sort of creature to be made the most of! The money allowed (perhaps too ample for really useful purposes) is spent in things foolish and hurtful. Money and time are wasted. The latter is valueless, to be sure, to these youths anywhere—but the money may be wrung from relatives, who put themselves on short diet to enable the son or brother (who is defrauding them) to appear well in Society! To perfect himself in the learning which he feels to be effective, he devises new methods of wringing more money from the Governor, who begins to protest. To drink, smoke, lounge about with easy and cool impudence; to stare into the face of women; to bet, gamble; to get in debt, and curse the creditors who presume to ask for pay; to make, or pretend to make, love; and generally to lay broad and deep that moral and cultivated elegance, to take on that exquisite polish [gla-mshi], which shall dazzle society; shall attract the silly butterflies (women) who have influence or money; shall, in fine, shine in the Grand Council, or at the head of armed bands, or to the illumination of the Courts of Law! Noble ambition, based upon manly principles! With the Barbarians to be a moral and wise man is to be a milksop [Kou-bab]; to be a polished man of the World—admirable!
The English Barbarians who are fathers, generally consider it rather a joke to have their sons trick them and poke fun at the "Governor," only it must be marked with some pretence of deference. If the "young fellows" do not positively disgrace the family—that is, marry some poor creature whom they have first debauched; or actually forge, or rob, or descend to improper friendships with inferior Castes—the parents esteem themselves to be fortunate. If he have acquired no knowledge of letters, nor of anything but vices, yet he is a "fine, manly fellow, who will make his mark in the world." That is, he is a tall, strong, active Barbarian—just fit for the armed bands!
The infelicities and disorders of family life, which only prefigure the inevitable confusion and evils of the whole Society, are more intolerable among the Middle Castes. In the Highest, secured revenues enable the wife and the husband each to see as little of each other as they please; and so long as the husband is not stirred up by Mrs. Grundy (who is not severe with this Caste) he cares but little what his wife may do. He goes about his sports and his pleasures as he pleases; and his wife, not wishing to be looked after, does not look after him. On this free-and-easy footing, with no want of money (Mrs. Grundy's decorum being observed), they get on well enough, and may even form quite a friendship for each other. But it is not possible to establish this condition in a family of small income—and here it is that the wretchedness of false principles has full scope. The husband and father, honest and good, finds himself mated to a woman, weak and vain, with children moulded by her. He, misled by false notions and ignorance, took to his heart one whom he fully trusted as simply true and modest; he took her for herself and without money, and flattered himself that she would be a helper and solace. She and her children have made him a miserable slave, who finds no quiet unless he satisfy all their clamorous demands—to shine in Society! If a good man, he tries to obey and live, even under exactions beyond his utmost efforts; for he has learned to see that his wife, though weak, is no worse than the Society which she loves, and which he also cannot escape; he is merely in a false position, and must largely thank himself for having heedlessly entered upon it!