234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. Thy dead men shall live, together with My dead body shall they arise, saith He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, after two days He will revive us, and the third day He will raise us up, and we shall live in His sight. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the heavens; according to that to the Ephesians, And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus. Eph. ii. 6.
235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that I have cause to say, Praise ye the Lord. Praise God in His sanctuary, praise Him in the firmament of His power; praise Him for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His excellent greatness. Psalm cl. 1, 2.
236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.
237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.
238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; Then, saith he, shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation.
239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. This I had not done, and therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, Pray that ye enter not into temptation. And truly this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.
240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if Thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night (and now were her pangs just upon her), then I shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart.
241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.
242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart, even this thought, Let Christ go, if He will: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart.
243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord, and His servant Gideon, fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God.