It is a rare thing for some Christians to see their graces, but a thing very common for such to see their sins, yea, and to feel them too in their lusts and desires, to the shaking of their souls.
QUESTION. But since I have lusts and desires both ways, how shall I know to which my soul adheres?
ANSWER. This may be known thus:
1. Which wouldest thou have prevail; the desires of the flesh, or the lusts of the spirit? Whose side art thou of? Doth thy soul now inwardly say, and that with a strong indignation, "Oh, let God, let grace, let my desires that are good, prevail against my flesh, for Jesus Christ's sake?"
2. What kind of secret wishes hast thou in thy soul, when thou feelest the lusts of thy flesh to rage? Dost thou not inwardly, and with indignation against sin, say, "O that I might never, never feel one such motion more. O that my soul were so full of grace, that there might be no longer room for even the least lust to come into my thoughts?"
3. What kind of thoughts hast thou of thyself, now thou seest those desires of thine that are good so briskly opposed by those that are bad? Dost thou not say, "Oh, I am the basest of creatures; I could even spew at myself. There is no man in all the world, in my eyes, so loathsome as myself is. I abhor myself; a toad is not so vile as I am. O Lord, let me be any thing but a sinner; any thing, so thou subduest mine iniquities for me?"
4. How dost thou like the discovery of that which thou thinkest is grace in other men! Dost thou not cry out, "Oh, I bless them in my heart! Oh, methinks grace is the greatest beauty in the world! Yea, I could be content to live and die with those people that have the grace of God in their souls. A hundred times, and a hundred when I have been upon my knees before God, I have desired, were it the will of God, that I might be in their condition?"
5. How art thou, when thou thinkest that thou thyself hast grace? "Oh, then," says the soul, "I am as if I could leap out of myself; joy, joy, joy then is in my heart. It is, methinks, the greatest mercy under heaven to be made a gracious man."
And is it thus with thy soul indeed? Happy man! It is grace that has thy soul, though sin at present works in thy flesh. Yea, all those breathings are the very actings of grace, even of the grace of desire, of love, of humility, and of the fear of God within thee. Be of good courage; thou art on the right side.
"I find," says the doubting Christian, "weakness and faintness as to my graces; my faith, my hope, my love and desires to these and all other Christian duties, are weak: I am like the man in the dream, that would have run, but could not; that would have fought, but could not, and that would have fled, but could not."