13. Evolving twilight hovered to a pause
The twilight pause means what?
18. Hugh jerked the yarn. It broke.
Note the brevity of the climax, “It broke.”
19. Down swooped the night,
How many days of journeying? The dream is a nightmare while the previous one was relatively peaceful. Why the difference?
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3. Woke hordes of laughers down the giddy yawn
What “hordes of laughers”?
5. Dream dawn, dream-noon, dream-twilight!