In the expression of her face fear, pity, and wounded pride were strangely blended, and her voice was measured and even. He had an immense inclination to break into harsh laughter. Not good enough for him! What a reason! It was as if some one, holding a cup of water to the lips of a man dying of thirst, had snatched it away, with the words, “Don’t drink, it is not cold enough.”
He repeated the words—
“Not good enough!” In his desperation he turned away from her, and walked up and down the room.
“So!” burst from him suddenly and very bitterly, “it was only an episode! All our pain, all my life, all yours, for it is all yours, I tell you,—only an episode!” It was the only harsh thing he had ever said to her—a betrayal of his inmost instinct—a treachery to his nature. He knew it; and dropping into a chair, rested his head in his hands, muttering, “Forgive me.”
There was a tense silence in the room.... Jocelyn came quickly from the window. She sank upon her knees at his side.
“I can’t!” she sobbed. “I would—but oh! I can’t. Anything but that!” and she pressed her face against him.
“Not that, dearest! I will be anything else to you—anything. I love you! But not that—oh! not that.”
What was she saying? The blood throbbed in his veins; the perfume of her breath was on his cheek, he could feel the warmth of her body against his knee. The whole vehemence of his passion stirred within him. The temptation was such that he writhed; his senses reeled with the desire to gain, and lose, all things in her embrace. His instinct told him it was ruin for him and for her, but what did it matter?... He threw his arms round her. She rubbed her cheek against his hand with a little tender movement, and he felt it suddenly wet. A pure and great pity took hold of him. “God help me!” he thought. “Not again!” He got up on to his feet, and raised her, smoothing the loosened hair back from her temples.
“No, no!” he said gently. “No, no! Anything rather——”
He felt he was talking to himself, not to her, that he was suddenly thrust back into utter isolation; and he knew that he must get away quickly before the maddened throbbing in his blood overmastered him.