“While thus hanging I prayed, sometimes silently, sometimes aloud, recommending myself to our Lord Jesus and His Blessed Mother. I hung much longer this time without fainting, but at length I fainted so thoroughly that they could not bring me to, and they thought that I either was dead or soon would be. So they called the Lieutenant, but how long he was there I know not, nor how long I remained in the faint. When I came round, however, I found myself no longer hanging by my hands, but supported sitting on a bench, with many people round me, who had opened my teeth with some iron instrument, and were pouring warm water down my throat. Now when the Lieutenant saw I could speak, he said: ‘Do you not see how much better it is for you to yield to the wishes of the Queen than to lose your life this way?’
“By God's help I answered him with more spirit than I had ever before felt, ‘No, certainly I do not see it. I would rather die a thousand times than do what they require of me.’
“ ‘You will not, then,’ he repeated.
“ ‘No, indeed I will not,’ I answered, ‘while a breath remains in my body.’
“ ‘Well then,’ said he, and he seemed to say it sorrowfully, as if reluctant to carry out his orders, ‘we must hang you up again now, and after dinner too.’
“ ‘Let us go, then, in the name of God,’ I said; ‘I have but one life, and if I had more I would offer them all for this cause.’ And with this I attempted to rise in order to go to the pillar, but they were obliged to support me, as I was very weak in body from the torture. And if there was any strength in my soul it was the gift of God, and given, I am convinced, because I was a [pg ciii] member of the Society, though a most unworthy one. I was suspended, therefore, a third time, and hung there in very great pain of body, but not without great consolation of soul, which seemed to me to arise from the prospect of dying. Whether it was from a true love of suffering for Christ, or from a sort of selfish desire to be with Christ, God knows best; but I certainly thought that I should die, and felt great joy in committing myself to the will and good pleasure of my God, and contemning entirely the will of men. Oh, that God would grant me always to have that same spirit (though I doubt not that it wanted much of true perfection in His eyes), for a longer life remains to me than I then thought, and He granted me time to prepare myself better for His holy presence.
“After awhile the Lieutenant, seeing that he made no way with me by continuing the torture, or because the dinner-hour was near at hand, or perhaps through a natural feeling of compassion, ordered me to be taken down. I think I hung not quite an hour this third time. I am rather inclined to think that the Lieutenant released me from compassion; for, some time after my escape, a gentleman of quality told me he had it from Sir Richard Barkley himself (who was this very Lieutenant of whom I speak), that he had of his own accord resigned the office he held, because he would no longer be an instrument in torturing innocent men so cruelly. And, in fact, he gave up the post after holding it but three or four months, and another Knight was appointed in his stead, in whose time it was that I made my escape.
“So I was brought back to my room by my gaoler, who seemed to have his eyes full of tears, and he assured me that his wife had been weeping and praying for me the whole time, though I had never seen the good woman in all my life. Then he brought me some food, of which I could eat but little, and that little he was obliged to cut for me and put into my mouth. I could not hold a knife in my hands for many days after, much less now when I was not even able to move my fingers, nor help myself in anything, so that he was obliged to do everything for me. However, by order of the authorities he took away my knife, scissors, and razors, lest I should kill myself, I believe; [pg civ] for they always do this in the Tower as long as the prisoner is under warrant for torture. I expected, therefore, daily to be sent for again to the torture-chamber, according to order; but our merciful God, while to other stronger champions, such as Father Walpole and Father Southwell, He gave a sharp struggle that they might overcome, gave His weak soldier but a short trial that he might not be overcome. They indeed, being perfected in a short time, fulfilled a long space; but I, unworthy of so great a good, was left to run out my days, and so supply for my defects by washing my soul with my tears, since I deserved not to wash it with my blood. God so ordained it, and may that be done which is good in His eyes.”
Father Garnett, in his letters, mentions Father Gerard's torture for the first time when writing to Father Persons at Rome, April 23, 1597:[96] “John Gerard hath been sore tortured in the Tower: it is thought it was for some letters directed to him out of Spain.” Between this date and the next, some details had reached Father Garnett, for on the 7th of May, 1597, he wrote to the General (we translate from the Italian):[97] “Of John Gerard I have already written to you where he is. He hath been twice hanged up by the hands, with great cruelty of others, and not less suffering of his own. The inquisitors here say that he is very obstinate, and that he has a great alliance with God or the devil, as they cannot draw the least word out of his mouth, except that in torment he cries ‘Jesus.’ They took him lately to the rack, and the torturers and examiners were there ready, but he suddenly, when he entered the place, knelt down, and with a loud voice prayed to our Lord that, as He had given grace and strength to some of His Saints to bear with Christian patience being torn to pieces by horses for His love, so He would be pleased to give him grace and courage, rather to be dragged into a thousand pieces than to say anything that might injure any person or the Divine glory. And so they left him without tormenting him, seeing him so resolved.” On June 13, 1597 (in the copy it is Jan. 10, evidently a mistake), he writes:[98] “I wrote unto you heretofore of the remove of Mr. [pg cv] Gerard to the Tower: he hath been thrice hanged up by the hands, every time until he was almost dead, and that in one day twice. The cause was (as now I understand perfectly) for to tell where his Superior was, and by whom he had sent him letters which were delivered him from Father Persons, and he was discovered by one of his fellow-prisoners. The Earl of Essex saith he must needs honour him for his constancy.” Again, a letter of Father Garnett to the General, in Latin, dated June 11, 1597, runs thus:[99] “I have written to you more than once of our Mr. John Gerard, that he has been thrice tortured, but that he has borne all with invincible courage. We have also lately heard for certain that the Earl of Essex praised his constancy, declaring that he could not help honouring and admiring the man. A secretary of the Royal Council denies that the Queen wishes to have him executed. To John this will be a great trouble.”