The true history of the ghost

by John Henry Pepper

James Harwood.

I now introduced a Miniature Ghost of a danseuse, which, being only about fifteen inches high, danced on the stage to the great amusement of my very numerous kind patrons.

I took out a provisional patent for this addition to the Ghost Mysteries, and shall reproduce it this Christmas at the Polytechnic.

A Manchester man, under the nom de plume of Kit Skewift, thus ridicules the efforts made by King to produce the Ghost at Manchester:—

TH’ GHOST!!!

“When aw wur a lad—(but that wurnt yusterday, nor th’ day before, nor any day last wick)—aw used to be trayted neaw and then to wot wur cawd a good ghost story. Owd foak then wur vast fond o’ ticklin’ yung foaks’ yers wi’ tales abeawt hobgoblins, ghosts, carnivorous giants, vampyres, ogres, un aw macks o’ uncouth beeins. Aw railly believe they thowt sitch tales wur profitable, morally un’ religiously speighkin’, un’ had little thowt abeauwt th’ uproar ’ut they caused amung eawr juvenoile nerves. Weel con aw remember beein’ neaw un then freetunt till it wur th’ herdest job i’ th’ world to keep my heart fro’ other roisin’ up into my meawth, or skutterin’ deawn in t’ clugs. My yure would ha’ stood up loike th’ bristles uv a dleetin’ brush, un’ th’ best com ut ever wur made would ha’ fawn a victim to any attempt to smooth it deawn to its gradely place; nay, aw believe if anybuddy had tried wi’ a par o’ curlin’ tungs to make it twist, they’d ha’ brokken um loike owd chips. These tales gien me no partikilur noshun as to wot ghosts wur; praps th’ tellers had no very clear ideo theirsels; but aw geet o sort uv a general inklin’ ’ut they wur a very quare, a very extriordinary, un a very wilful set o’ beeins; some on um vast fond uv a toidy practical joke; un aw on um i’ their element when they wur potterin’ foaks’ plucks to make eawt wot the dickens they meant by their merlocks.

“For some days th’ good foaks o’th’ city o’ Manchester have had before their een uppo’ th’ waws, un’ i’th’ shop windows, bills printed i’ black un flarin’ red ink, th’ letters big enoof welly for a bloint chap to see, anneawncin’ at th’ Lunnun New Music Haw th’ appearance uv a ‘Mervellous Ghost’—King’s Ghost! as a roival to that uv Professor Pepper. Loike aw curious foak ’ut are made hongry wi’ expectashun, aw went th’ other neet to have a look at it, imaginin’, as aw went alung through th’ streets, that at last aw should get a peep at a spectre uz would carry back my moind to my yung days, un gie me some inseet into th’ naytur and essence uv sperrits—not sitch as one beighs at th’ keawnter uv a vault, but sitch as proceed fro’ th’ clay tenement that lies, moshunless, decayin’ within. Aw durnt know but aw felt a little bit sayrious too, un’ a tunchy bit groiped wi’ fear, for it met be that th’ seet would be made doubly awful by th’ appearance uv my gronny’s ghost; if it wur, un hoo seed me, hoo’d be shure t’ gie me a blisterin wi’ hur tung, for hoo wur a raddler at takkin’ th’ sheighne eawt on me wi’ that glib little member uv hus. But when th’ ghost did appear—or should have appeart in its full proposhuns, by th’ mack aw fun’ mysel as far fro th’ possesshun uv a genuine crumb o’ ghostly wisdum uz ever aw wur i’ my born days. It should ha’ bin an illustrious ghost—no less a chap than Owd Hamlet, th’ suvverin uv anyshunt Denmark; un’ theerefore a rail King’s ghost (beawt patent). But that may akeawnt fer its peevishness, its tricks, un’ its uncommon way o’ introducin’ itsel’. It wouldn’t appear aw at wonst; at fust it showed its yed; then, giving itsel’ a wry neck, it lugged in its showders un its breast; then it disappeart, un’ shortly begun to ascend wi’ its legs un’ feet, or else a pair uz it had borrowed fro’ a nayburin’ corpse, uppermost; un’ when it had getten so far in seet as its sternum, it flittert abeawt in an ungrayshus manner, as if tryin’ to doance th’ Cure on its yed. Praps it wur because it wur a King’s ghost that it wur so wilful, un’ tried to be so unnatural in its ways, for some o’ th’ owd kings wur rum jockies, un’, for owt we know, owd Hamlet met be loike owd George Thard, who, Byron says, geet into heaven by mistake, wi’ his yed under his arm, not havin’ any use for it in a place wheere good thowts un good principles are alone acceptable. Owd Hamlet met be labburin’ under an idea that Lankishire wur a place in which a chap would be uv as mitch service to his felly crayturs when stonnin’ on his yed as when reort up i’ th’ ushual style on his feet.

“This ghostly bizness is cawd an ‘optical illushun.’ Shouldn’t it be cawd an ‘optical delushun’? Aw know aw never seed as monny pairs o’ optics so noicely chetted as there wur on this occashun. Professor Buck’s kunjurashuns we know beforehond are nowt but decepshuns; but aw’ll be flogged if i’th’ way o’ bamboozlin’ one’s wits, un’ makin th’ sense uv seet counifogle aw eawr other senses, he isn’t far ayed o’ King’s ghost—a very prince besoide a regilur muff.

“Neaw Pepper’s ghosts, they say, are genuine, are wot they’re professed to be—foine specimens uv wot true science un’ profershunal skill con accomplish. When aw th’ whole bevy o’ King’s ghosts are mustert, they’re not, placed alungsoide o’ one Pepper, wuth so mitch as a pinch o’ sawt; though, by th’ way ’at they try to catch owd brids, they met have a lerge stock on hond o’ th’ latter herticle.

“But, moind yoa, aw dunnot blame Mestur Harwood, th’ lesse o’ th’ Haw. Now, not I; he, aw understond, has been done as weel, nay to a bigger tune, than th’ public; un’ that he’s doubly vext to think that he should, aimin’ at producin’ every novelty ’ut’s wuth presentin’ to th’ public, pay his good money for a bad ghost! Un’ to aw th’ professhunals engaged at th’ establishment it mun be awfully mortifyin’; for wot gives ’um th’ horrors mooar than an ominous convicshun that th’ ghost winnot wawk? Heawever, if awm reetly informt, King’s ghost is to vanish, un’ Pepper’s is to appear in its place. This shows a determinashun not to be done wi’ a pousy Jack-o-lantern.