But the Lord having other thoughts concerning him, in a short time all their great expectations of him in the ministry were frustrated. For by his extreme abstinence, drinking of water, and indefatigable pains, he contracted that sickness, of which he died soon after. His body began to languish, his stomach to refuse all meat, and his constitution to alter. Mr. Dickson laid his condition much to heart (Mr. Bailie being at London) and kept him fifteen days with him; thereafter he went to Houston, and stayed as long there, where the lady and her daughter shewed more love and kindness than can be expressed, and that not only for the care he had of her son, but also for the rare gifts and graces God had bestowed on him. His father having sent for them he returned home.——The first night on his journey, he was with Ralston, and the laird of Ducathall, being there occasionally, attended him all the rest of the way homeward; for not being able to ride two miles together, he behoved to go into a house to rest himself for an hour, such was his weakly condition.
After his arrival at home, he put on his clothes every day for fifteen days, and after that lay bedfast for ten weeks until the day of his death, during which time the Lord was very merciful and gracious to him, both in an external and internal way.——For his body by degrees daily languished till he became like a skeleton, and yet his face remained ever pleasant, beautiful and well-coloured, even to his last.
The last five or six weeks he lived, there were always three or four waiting on him and sometimes more, yet they never had occasion to weary of him, but were rather refreshed with every day's continuance, by the many wise, sweet and gracious discourses which proceeded out of his mouth.
In the time of his sickness the Lord was graciously pleased to guard his mind and heart from the malice of Satan, so that his peace and confidence in God was not much disturbed, or if the Lord was pleased to suffer any little assault, it soon evanished. His feeling and sense was not frequent nor great, but his faith and confidence in God through Jesus Christ was ever strong, which he told his father divers times was more sure and solid than the other. He said, that the Lord before his sickness, had made fast work with him about the matters of his soul, and that before that, he had been under sore exercises of mind, by the sense of his own guiltiness for a long time, before ever he had solid peace and clear confidence, and often said, "Unworthy I and naughty I, am freely beloved of the Lord, and the Lord knows, my soul dearly loves him back again." And that the Lord knew his weakness to encounter with a temptation, and so out of tender compassion thus pitied him.
He was also possest of all manner of patience and submission under all this sore trouble, and never was heard to murmur in the least, but often thought his Master's time well worth the waiting on, and was frequently much refreshed with the seeing and hearing of honest and gracious neighbours, who came to visit him, so that he had little reason with Heman to complain, Psal. lxxxviii. 8. Lovers and friends hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance unto darkness.
Among other of his gracious discoveries, he declaimed much against unprudent speaking, wishing it might be amended, especially in young scholars and young ministers, as being but the froth and vanity of the foolish mind. Among other things he lamented the pride of many young preachers and students, by usurping priority of place, &c. which became them not, and exclaimed frequently against himself for his own practice, yet he said he was in the strength of God brought to mortify the same. He frequently exhorted his parents to carry themselves to one another as the word of God required, and above all things to fear God and delight in his word, and often said, That he dearly loved the book of God, and sought them to be earnest in prayer, showing that it was an unknown thing, and a thing of another world, and that the influence of prayer behoved to come out of heaven, therefore the Spirit of supplication must be wrestled for, or else all prayer would be but lifeless and natural, and said, That being once with the Lady Houston and some country gentlemen at Bagles, the Spirit of prayer and supplication was poured upon him, in such a powerful and lively manner, two several days before they went to dinner that all present were much affected, and shed tears in abundance, and yet at night he found himself so emptied and dead that he durst not adventure to pray any at all these two nights, but went to bed, and was much vexed and cast down, none knowing the reason. By this he was from that time convinced that the dispensation and influence of spiritual and lively prayer came only from heaven, and from no natural abilities that were in man.
The laird of Cunningham coming to visit him (as he did frequently), he enumerated all the remarkable passages of God's goodness and providence to him (especially since he contracted sickness), as in shewing infinite mercies to his soul, tender compassion towards his body and natural spirits, patience and submission to his will without grudging, calmness of spirit without passion, solid and constant peace within and without, &c.:—This is far beyond the Lord's manner of dealing with many of his dear saints, &c. "Now Sir, think ye not but I stand greatly indebted to the goodness and kindness of God, that deals thus graciously and warmly with me every way;" and then he burst out in praise to God in a sweet and lively manner.
At another time, the laird being present, May 26, looking out of his bed to the sun shining brightly on the opposite side of the house, he said, "O what a splendor and glory will all the elect and redeemed saints have one day, and O! how much more will the glory of the Creator be, who shall communicate that glory to all his own, but the shallow thoughts of silly men are not able to conceive the excellency thereof, &c."
Again, Mr. Macqueen being present, his father inquired at him, Wherein our communion with God stood? He said, In reconciliation and peace with him, which is the first effect of our justification, then there was access and love to God, patience and submission to his will, &c. then the Lord's manifestation of himself to us, as Christ says, John xiv. 21. See the 20th verse which he instanced.
He said one morning to Hugh Macgaven and his father, "I am not afraid of death, for I rest on infinite mercy, procured by the blood of the Lamb." Then he spake as to himself, "Fear not, little flock, it is the Father's will to give you the kingdom. Then he said, What are these who are of this little flock? Even sinners. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance;" but what kind of sinners? Only those who are sensible of sin and wrath, and see themselves to be lost, therefore, says Christ, "I came to seek and to save them who are lost." There are two words here, seeking and saving; and who are these? Even those who are lost bankrupts, who have nothing to pay. These are they whom Christ seeks, and who are of his flock.