The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces

by John Kendrick Bangs

Mrs. Perkins. Don’t tell me what you were thinking, my dear. It can’t be expressible in polite language.

Perkins. You are wrong there, my dear. I wasn’t thinking cuss-words at all. I was only reflecting that we didn’t miss much anyhow, under the circumstances.

Mrs. Perkins. Miss much? Why, Thaddeus, what do you mean?

Perkins. Nothing—only that for action continuous and situations overpowering The Lyons Mail isn’t a marker to an evening of preparation for Amateur Dramatics.

Enter Jennie.

Jennie. Excuse me, mim, but the coachman says shall he wait any longer? He’s been there three hours now.

[CURTAIN]

THE FATAL MESSAGE

CHARACTERS:

MR. THADDEUS PERKINS, in charge of the curtain.
MRS. THADDEUS PERKINS, cast for Lady Ellen.
MISS ANDREWS, cast for the maid.
MR. EDWARD BRADLEY, an under-study.
MRS. EDWARD BRADLEY, cast for Lady Amaranth.
MR. ROBERT YARDSLEY, stage-manager.
MR. JACK BARLOW, cast for Fenderson Featherhead.
MR. CHESTER HENDERSON, an absentee.
JENNIE, a professional waitress.