“To eradicate the shopping evil?” laughed the Doctor. “A sort of Keeley Cure for shopping inebriates?”
“Nay, nay,” retorted the Idiot. “The shopping inebriate is too much of a factor in our commercial prosperity to make such a thing as that popular. My scheme was a sort of shopnasium.”
“A what?” roared the Doctor.
“A shopnasium,” explained the Idiot. “We have gymnasiums in which we teach gymnastics. Why not have a shopnasium in which to teach what we might call shopnastics? Just think of what a boon it would be for a lot of delicate women, for instance, who know that along about Christmas-time they must hie them forth to the department stores, there to be crushed and mauled and pulled and hauled until there is scarcely anything left to them, to feel that they could come to our shopnasium and there be trained for the ordeal which they cannot escape.”
“Very nice,” said the Doctor. “But how on earth can you train them? That’s what I’d like to know.”
“How? Why, how on earth do you train a football team except by practice?” demanded the Idiot. “It wouldn’t take a very ingenious mind to figure out a game called shopping that would be governed by rules similar to those of football. Take a couple of bargain-counters for the goals. Place one at one end of the shopnasium and one at the other. Then let sixty women start from number one and try to get to number two across the field through another body of sixty women bent on getting to the other one, and vice versa. You could teach ’em all the arts of the rush-line, defence, running around the ends, breaking through the middle, and all that. At first the scrimmage would be pretty hard on the beginners, but with a month’s practice they’d get hardened to it, and by Christmas-time there isn’t a bargain-counter in the country they couldn’t reach without more than ordinary fatigue. An interesting feature of the game would be to have automatic cars and automobiles and cabs running to and fro across the field all the time so that they would become absolute masters of the art of dodging similar vehicles when they encounter them in real life, as they surely must when the holiday season is in full blast and they are compelled by the demands of the hour to go out into the world.”
“The women couldn’t stand it,” said the Doctor. “They might as well be knocked out at the real thing as in the imitation.”
“Not at all,” said the Idiot. “They wouldn’t be knocked out if you gave them preliminary individual exercise with punching-bags, dummies for tackle practice, and other things the football player uses to make himself tough and irresistible.”
“But you can’t reason with shopping as you do with football,” suggested the Lawyer. “Think of the glory of winning a goal which sustains the football player through the toughest of fights. The knowledge that the nation will ring with its plaudits of his gallant achievement is half the backing of your quarter-back.”
“That’s all right,” said the Idiot, “but the make-up of the average woman is such that what pursuit of fame does for the gladiator, the chase after a bargain does for a woman. I have known women so worn and weary that they couldn’t get up for breakfast who had a lion’s strength an hour later at a Monday marked-down sale of laundry soap and Yeats’s poems. What the goal is to the man the bargain is to the woman, so on the question of incentive to action, Mr. Brief, the sexes are about even. I really think, Doctor, there’s a chance here for you and me to make a fortune. Dr. Capsule’s Shopnasium, opened every September for the training and development of expert shoppers in all branches of shopnastics, under the medical direction of yourself and my business management would be a winner. Moreover, it would furnish a business opening for all those football players our colleges are turning out, for, as our institution grew and we established branches of it all over the country, we should, of course, have to have managers in every city, and who better to teach all these things than the expert footballist of the hour?”