GENTLEMAN (fidgeting about in his seat). I was much more comfortable in my own seat. There was a nice hollow for one’s back there; but here there’s a confounded lump that’s positively painful! I must confess I have found that women in general haven’t the slightest hesitation in taking advantage of one if they possibly can. Here’s an instance; just as I had got used to my seat, in comes one of the weaker sex and turns me out bag and baggage! They know their power, and abuse it: too bad! Now (looking aside at LADY) if my neighbor were but young—and pretty into the bargain—but no; catch a woman wrapping herself up like that when she is young (gaping) and pretty! (His head nods once or twice, and he falls asleep.)
GUARD (without). Take your seats! Any more going on?
LADY (cautiously peeping at GENTLEMAN, then uncovering, and aside). So it seems I shall have no other travelling companion but this gentleman! (Here loud railway-whistle heard, and noise of train starting.) We’re off. (Looking at GENTLEMAN again.) I must say he appears to be perfectly harmless and inoffensive. (GENTLEMAN snores.) What did he say? (A louder snore from GENTLEMAN). Well, if that’s a specimen of his conversation, it isn’t likely to compromise one! (Another snore.) I may as well go to sleep myself, and then, perhaps, I may be able to join in the conversation too! (Wraps herself up, but this time allows her face to remain uncovered; closes her eyes; pause.)
GENTLEMAN (suddenly waking and shifting his position). Decidedly, of all the uncomfortable seats this is the most uncomfortable. I should like to know what they stuff their cushions with; I feel as if I’d got a quartern loaf at my back! (Taking a rapid glance at LADY, then, in a savage tone.) She seems comfortable enough! How absurd—how ridiculous of me not to have demanded—not to have in-sis-ted. (Looking again at LADY.) By Jove, she is young! and by no means bad-looking! Bad-looking! she’s pretty—very pretty—excessively pretty! and to think I should have actually gone to sleep in her presence! One never knows what one does in one’s sleep; luckily, I never snore; that’s one comfort! (Takes off his travelling-cap, arranges his hair, cravat, etc.) How soundly she sleeps—if she does sleep! (in doubt). When one is really asleep—I mean fast asleep—it isn’t usual to wear a smile on one’s face; on the contrary, one’s face generally gets ugly! I’ll be bound that just now I was positively hideous! (He coughs loudly, the LADY moves.) She wakes! (Suddenly and loudly.) What a beautiful country! what a lovely green on those meadows! (LADY keeps silence.) I’ll try again! (Still louder.) How unusually beautiful are the autumn tints, especially so early in the spring! (Pause; aside.) No response? She must have taken a sleeping draught!
LADY (pretending to wake). A thousand pardons, sir; did you speak?
GENTLEMAN. I was merely observing what a lovely meadow on those greens! I mean (another pause) I hear the harvest is likely to be a plentiful one, although I’m told that turnips are backward; I haven’t heard anything about carrots.
LADY (in an indifferent tone). I beg pardon; were you speaking to me? (Aside.) Some gentleman farmer, evidently.
GENTLEMAN (nettled, and imitating her—aside). “Were you speaking to me?” I rather think I was speaking to her! Holloa! she’s off to sleep again! No one can call her particularly wide-awake. Well, since she’s off into land of dreams again, I don’t see why I shouldn’t indulge in a cigarette (takes out some cigarette papers, tobacco pouch, spreads them on his knees and proceeds to make a cigarette; then stops). Stop, though! I can’t smoke without first asking her permission; of course not! (Aloud, and coughing.) Ahem! (Watching her.) Sound as a top! Try again! (Coughing louder.) Ahem! (The LADY opens her eyes and moves impatiently—aside.) That did it!
GENTLEMAN (apologetically). My cough is rather troublesome, ma’am.
LADY. I find it so—very!