Hol. Not yet, right venerable Honorificac-cac-cac-cacu-minos Bidet! but as little an infant as I am I will, and with the grace of wit I will deserve it. 92
Bid. You must perform a valorous, virtuous, and religious exploit first, in desert of your order.
Hol. What is’t?
Bid. Cozen thy master; he is a fool, and was created for men of wit, such as thyself, to make use of.
Hol. Such as myself? Nay, faith, for wit, I think, for my age, or so—But on, sir. 99
Bid. That thou mayst the easier purge him of superfluous blood, I will describe thy master’s constitution. He loves and is beloved of himself, and one more, his dog. There is a company of unbraced, untruss’d rutters[504] in the town, that crinkle in the hams, swearing their flesh is their only living, and when they have any crowns, cry “God a mercy, Mol!” and shrugging, “let the cock-holds[505] pay for’t;” intimating that their maintenance flows from the wantonness of merchants’ wives, when in troth the plain troth is, the plain and the stand, or the plain stand and deliver, delivers them all their living. These comrades have persuaded thy master that there’s no way to redeem his peach-colour satin suit from pawn but by the love of a citizen’s wife; he believes it: they flout him, he feeds them; and now ’tis our honest and religious meditation that he feed us, Holofernes Puppi. 115
Hol. Pippo, and shall please you.
Bid. Pippo, ’tis our will and pleasure thou suit thyself like a merchant’s wife; leave the managing of the sequence unto our prudence.
Hol. Or unto our Prudence; truly she is a very witty wench, and hath a stammel[506] petticoat with three guards[507] for the nonce; but for your merchant’s wife, alas! I am too little, speak too small, go too gingerly: by my troth I fear I shall look too fair. 124
Bid. Our majesty dismounteth, and we put off our greatness; and now, my little knaves, I am plain Crack. As I am Bosphoros Carmelydon Honorificacuminos Bidet, I am imperious, honour sparkles in mine eyes; but as I am Crack, I will convey,[508] crossbite,[509] and cheat upon Simplicius. I will feed, satiate, and fill your paunches; replenish, stuff, or furnish your purses: we will laugh when others weep—sing when others sigh—feed when others starve—and be drunk when others are sober. This is my charge at the loose.[510] As you love our brotherhood, avoid true speech, square dice, small liquor, and above all, those two ungentlemanlike protestations of indeed and verily. And so, 137