Humours.
Sleep, grim Reproof; my jocund muse doth sing
In other keys, to nimbler fingering.
Dull-sprighted Melancholy, leave my brain—
To hell,[584] Cimmerian night! in lively vein
I strive to paint, then hence all dark intent
And sullen frowns! Come, sporting Merriment,
Cheek-dimpling Laughter, crown my very soul
With jouisance, whilst mirthful jests control
The gouty humours of these pride-swoll’n days,
Which I do long until my pen displays. 10
O, I am great with Mirth! some midwif’ry,
Or I shall break my sides at vanity.
Room for a capering mouth, whose lips ne’er stir
But in discoursing of the graceful slur.[585]
Who ever heard spruce skipping Curio
E’er prate of ought but of the whirl on toe,
The turn-above-ground, Robrus’ sprawling kicks,
Fabius’ caper, Harry’s tossing tricks?
Did ever any ear e’er hear him speak
Unless his tongue of cross-points did entreat? 20
His teeth do caper whilst he eats his meat,
His heels do caper whilst he takes his seat;
His very soul, his intellectual
Is nothing but a mincing capreal.[586]
He dreams of toe-turns; each gallant he doth meet
He fronts him with a traverse in the street.
Praise but Orchestra,[587] and the skipping art,
You shall command him, faith you have his heart
Even cap’ring in your fist. A hall, a hall![588]
Room for the spheres, the orbs celestial 30
Will dance Kempe’s[589] jig: they’ll revel with neat jumps;
A worthy poet hath put on their pumps.
O wit’s quick traverse, but sance ceo’s [?] slow;
Good faith ’tis hard for nimble Curio.
“Ye gracious orbs, keep the old measuring;
All’s spoil’d if once ye fall to capering.”
Luscus, what’s play’d to-day? Faith now I know
I set thy lips abroach, from whence doth flow
Naught but pure Juliet and Romeo.
Say who acts best? Drusus or Roscio? 40
Now I have him, that ne’er of ought did speak
But when of plays or players he did treat—
Hath made a common-place[590] book out of plays,
And speaks in print: at least what e’er he says
Is warranted by Curtain plaudities.
If e’er you heard him courting Lesbia’s eyes,
Say (courteous sir), speaks he not movingly,
From out some new pathetic tragedy?
He writes, he rails, he jests, he courts (what not?),
And all from out his huge long-scraped stock 50
Of well-penn’d plays.
Oh come not within distance! Martius speaks,
Who ne’er discourseth but of fencing feats,
Of counter times,[591] finctures, sly passatas,
Stramazones, resolute stoccatas,
Of the quick change with wiping mandritta,
The carricada, with the embrocata.
“Oh, by Jesu, sir!” methinks I hear him cry,
“The honourable fencing mystery
Who doth not honour?” Then falls he in again, 60
Jading our ears, and somewhat must be sain
Of blades and rapier-hilts, of surest guard,
Of Vincentio,[592] and the Burgonian’s ward.[593]
This bombast foil-button I once did see,
By chance, in Livia’s modest company;
When, after the god-saving ceremony,
For want of talk-stuff, falls to foinery;
Out goes his rapier, and to Livia
He shows the ward by puncta reversa,
The incarnata. Nay, by the blessed light! 70
Before he goes, he’ll teach her how to fight
And hold her weapon. Oh I laugh amain,
To see the madness of this Martius’ vein!
But room for Tuscus, that jest-mounging youth
Who ne’er did ope his apish gerning mouth
But to retail and broke another’s wit
Discourse of what you will, he straight can fit
Your present talk, with “Sir, I’ll tell a jest”
(Of some sweet lady, or grand lord at least).
Then on he goes, and ne’er his tongue shall lie 80
Till his engrossèd jests are all drawn dry;
But then as dumb as Maurus, when at play
Hath lost his crowns, and pawn’d his trim array.
He doth nought but retail jests: break but one,
Out flies his table-book; let him alone,
He’ll have it i’faith. Lad, hast an epigram,
Wilt have it put into the chaps of fame?
Give Tuscus copies; sooth, as his own wit
(His proper issue) he will father it.
O that this echo, that doth seek, spet, write 90
Nought but the excrements of others sprite,
This ill-stuff’d trunk of jests (whose very soul
Is but a heap of gibes) should once enroll
His name ’mong creatures termed rational!
Whose chief repute, whose sense, whose soul and all
Are fed with offal scraps, that sometimes fall
From liberal wits in their large festival.
Come aloft, Jack! room for a vaulting skip,
Room for Torquatus, that ne’er oped his lip
But in prate of pommado reversa,[594] 100
Of the nimble, tumbling Angelica.
Now, on my soul, his very intellect
Is nought but a curvetting sommerset.
“Hush, hush,” cries honest Philo, “peace, desist!
Dost thou not tremble, sour satirist,
Now that[595] judicial Musus readeth thee?
He’ll whip each line, he’ll scourge thy balladry,
Good faith he will.” Philo, I prithee stay
Whilst I the humour of this dog display.
He’s nought but censure; wilt thou credit me, 110
He never writ one line in poesy,
But once at Athens in a theme did frame
A paradox in praise of virtue’s name;
Which still he hugs and lulls as tenderly
As cuckold Tisus his wife’s bastardy?
Well, here’s a challenge: I flatly say he lies
That heard him ought but censure poesies;
’Tis his discourse, first having knit the brow,
Stroke up his fore-top, champèd every row,
Belcheth his slavering censure on each book 120
That dare presume even on Medusa look.
I have no artist’s skill in symphonies,
Yet when some pleasing diapason flies
From out the belly of a sweet-touch’d lute,
My ears dare[596] say ’tis good: or when they suit
Some harsher sevens for variety,
My native skill discerns it presently.
What then? Will any sottish dolt repute,
Or ever think me Orpheus absolute?
Shall all the world of fidlers follow me, 130
Relying on my voice in musickry?
Musus, here’s Rhodes; let’s see thy boasted leap,
Or else avaunt, lewd cur, presume not speak,
Or with thy venom-sputtering chaps to bark
Gainst well-penn’d poems, in the tongue-tied dark.
O for a humour, look, who yon doth go,
The meagre lecher, lewd Luxurio!
’Tis he that hath the sole monopoly,
By patent, of the suburb lechery;
No new edition of drabs comes out, 140
But seen and allow’d by Luxurio’s snout.
Did ever any man e’er hear him talk,
But of Pick-hatch,[597] or of some Shoreditch balk,
Aretine’s filth, or of his wand’ring whore;[598]
Of some Cinædian, or of Tacedore;
Of Ruscus’ nasty, loathsome brothel rhyme,
That stinks like A-jax[599] froth, or muck-pit slime?
The news he tells you is of some new flesh,
Lately broke up, span new, hot piping fresh.
The courtesy he shows you is some morn 150
To give you Venus ’fore her[600] smock be on.
His eyes, his tongue, his soul, his all, is lust,
Which vengeance and confusion follow must.
Out on this salt humour, letcher’s dropsy,
Fie! it doth soil my chaster poesy!
O spruce! How now, Piso, Aurelius’ ape,
What strange disguise, what new deformèd shape,
Doth hold thy thoughts in contemplation?
Faith say, what fashion art thou thinking on?
A stitch’d taffeta cloak, a pair of slops 160
Of Spanish leather? O, who heard his chops
E’er chew of ought but of some strange disguise?
This fashion-monger, each morn ’fore he rise,
Contemplates suit-shapes, and once from out his bed,
He hath them straight full lively portrayèd.
And then he chucks, and is as proud of this
As Taphus when he got his neighbour’s bliss.
All fashions, since the first year of this queen,
May in his study fairly drawn be seen;
And all that shall be to his day of doom; 170
You may peruse within that little room;
For not a fashion once dare show his face,
But from neat Piso first must take his grace:
The long fool’s coat, the huge slop, the lugg’d[601] boot,
From mimic Piso all do claim their root.
O that the boundless power of the soul
Should be coop’d up in fashioning some roll!
But O, Suffenus! (that doth hug, embrace
His proper self, admires his own sweet face;
Praiseth his own fair limbs’ proportion, 180
Kisseth his shade, recounteth all alone
His own good parts) who envies him? Not I,
For well he may, without all rivalry.
Fie! whither’s fled my sprite’s alacrity?
How dull I vent this humorous poesy!
In faith I am sad, I am possess’d with ruth,
To see the vainness of fair Albion’s youth;
To see their richest time even wholly spent
In that which is but gentry’s ornament;
Which, being meanly done, becomes them well; 190
But when with dear time’s loss they do excell,
How ill they do things well! To dance and sing,
To vault, to fence, and fairly trot[602] a ring
With good grace, meanly done, O what repute
They do beget! But being absolute,
It argues too much time, too much regard
Employ’d in that which might be better spar’d
Than substance should be lost. If one should sue
For Lesbia’s love, having two days to woo,
And not one more, and should employ those twain 200
The favour of her waiting-wench to gain,
Were he not mad? Your apprehension,
Your wits are quick in application.
Gallants,
Methinks your souls should grudge and inly scorn
To be made slaves[603] to humours that are born
In slime of filthy sensuality.
That part not subject to mortality
(Boundless, discursive apprehension
Giving it wings to act his function), 210
Methinks should murmur when you stop his course,
And soil his beauties in some beastly source
Of brutish pleasures; but it is so poor,
So weak, so hunger-bitten, evermore
Kept from his food, meagre for want of meat,
Scorn’d and rejected, thrust from out his seat,
Upbraid[604] by capons’ grease, consumèd quite
By eating stews, that waste the better sprite,
Snibb’d[605] by his baser parts, that now poor soul
(Thus peasanted to each lewd thought’s control) 220
Hath lost all heart, bearing all injuries,
The utmost spite and rank’st indignities,