“The man of God,” he writes, “received me as a father; and I conceived an affection for him, not as a teacher of truth, which I had no idea of discovering in the Church, but as a man kind to me. I studiously attended his preaching, only with a curious desire of discovering whether fame had done justice to his eloquence or not. Gradually I was brought to attend to the doctrine of the bishop. I found reason to rebuke myself for the hasty conclusions I had formed of the indefensible nature of the law and the prophets. The possibility of finding truth in the Church of Christ appeared.”
His mother, drawn by love and anxiety, now left Carthage, and, crossing the Mediterranean, went to Milan, where she became united to her wayward and wandering son. Augustine informed his mother of the partial change which had taken place in his views, and that he was in the habit of attending the preaching of Bishop Ambrose. She replied, “I believe in Christ, that, before I leave this world, I shall see you a sound believer.” She made the acquaintance of the bishop, interested him still more deeply in her son, and, with renewed fervor, pleaded with God for his conversion.
“Ambrose,” Augustine writes, “was charmed with the fervor of my mother’s piety, her amiableness, and her good works. He often congratulated me that I had such a mother, little knowing what sort of a son she had. The state of my mind was now somewhat altered. Ashamed of past delusions, I was the more anxious to be guided right for the time to come. I was completely convinced of the falsehood of the many things I had once uttered with so much confidence.”
A season of great anxiety and sadness now ensued. He was firmly convinced of the divine authority of that Bible, which, in his infidelity, he had rejected. Still he had not as yet surrendered his heart to the Saviour, and had found no peace in believing. In comparison with eternal things, all the pursuits of this world seemed trivial. His heart was like the troubledsea: his conscience reproached him for neglecting the salvation of his soul. The following extract from his “Confessions” gives a vivid idea of the struggles in which his spirit was then engaged:—
“Your mornings,” I said to myself, “are for your pupils: why, then, do you not attend to religious duties in the afternoon? But, then, what time should I have to attend to the levees of the great? What, then, if death should suddenly seize you, and judgment overtake you unprepared? But what if death be the end of our being? Yet far from my soul be such a thought! God would never have given such proof of the truth of Christianity if the soul died with the body. Why, then, do I not give myself wholly to God? But do not be in a hurry. You have influential friends, and may yet attain wealth and honor in the world. In such an agitation of mind,” continues Augustine, “did I live, seeking happiness, yet flying from it.”
Twelve years had now passed away, during which Augustine had been professedly seeking the truth, and yet had found no peace. “I had,” he writes, “deferred from day to day devoting myself to God, under the pretence that I was uncertain where the truth lay.”
And then the question occurred to him, “How is it that so many humble persons find peace so speedily in religion, while I, with all my philosophy and anxious reasonings, remain year after year in darkness and doubt?” Conscious that the difficulty was to be found in his own stubborn will, he retired in great agitation to a secluded spot in the garden, and, as he writes, “with vehement indignation I rebuked my sinful spirit because it would not give itself up to God.” His anguish was great, and he wept bitterly. Falling upon his knees beneath a fig-tree, with tears and trembling utterance he exclaimed,—
“O Lord! how long shall I say to-morrow? Why should not this hour put an end to my slavery?”
Just then, he fancied that he heard a voice saying to him, “Take up, and read.” He had with him Paul’s epistles. Opening the book, the first passage which met his eye wasthis, found in the thirteenth chapter of Romans, thirteenth and fourteenth verses:—
“Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying. But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh to fulfil the lusts thereof.”