“We have come here to stay,” boasted a corps of the enemy, which took up an advanced position. “Yes, they stayed,” replied doughty General Li Yuen after the battle, and his grim smile explained that they stayed as dead bodies.
Yen Tsz, an eminent premier of the Tsi principality, and a contemporary wit with Confucius, referring to the increase of crime which called for the punishment of the amputation of feet, used this ironical phrase: “False feet are cheaper than shoes these days in our market-place.”
The humor of war is grim. Shortly before Confucius’ day the prince of Tsu State had overcome the army of Tsin State. The dead lay in heaps. The Tsu prince was asked if he would not order a tablet raised over the brave enemy. “Not much,” said he, “I will have a tablet to my own ancestors raised over them, giving thanks that we do the crowing instead of them this time.”
A fireman on the new Canton-Hankau railway made out his report of a regrettable fatality in a collision as follows: “The engineer was died without senses.”
A consolidation of three formerly independent samshu liquor dealers of Canton advertised as follows: “This three rice bier dealers, before separate, is now amalgamated for quite economic, and glad with much public order for oblige soled more cheap to foreign friends.”
On a landing in a curio store, popular with foreigners, was the following sign: “Peoples alighted here go down stairs if curious wishing.”
A penitent convert wrote his mission school teacher as follows: “Many thoughts of unpleasant come into my mind. Many tears drop my spiritual soul not to speak of outside eyes. I break my beautiful promise. I contemps the difficults but was mistake. I was failed that time to finish the very good of God which begunned. Deep repents of my throat is blocked thickly in bearing regrets for everlasting, but I standing for your forgive and excuse of God like poor Peter in three times with handkerchief on shame face and water eyes.”
Just as humorously confused is the attempt of nine-tenths of the foreigners to make themselves understood in Chinese. Sometimes the efforts of our missionaries and translators reach the old book-shops, and are promptly thrown with a smile, which is more humorous than cynical in these days of humor and enlightenment, into the compartment entitled: “Second Hand Religion.”
I asked my Chinese friend why their ideograph for two friends was two pearls, and he explained: “Because each is equally precious, without the possibility or necessity of being exactly alike.” Let this answer for a picture of America and China as the new days dawn on each side of the Pacific. A Tientsin shop seems to have grasped satisfactorily the situation, its sign reading: “All languages spoken: American understood.”
The many thousand ideograms of the Chinese language are memorized, and words are often tabulated for the pupil by rhyme. They have no alphabet and therefore can never use a linotype or typewriter. The Chinese, accordingly, have wonderful memories, but their memory-method sometimes places them in humorous situations. English is now required in nearly all the new Chinese schools, though the Chinese mandarin examiners know little about the language as yet. A confident Chinese candidate appeared before the board of a Kwangtung province school as an applicant for the position of “Professor of English”. “How much English do you know?” profoundly inquired the mandarin from behind his heavy, tortoise-rimmed glasses. The amusing reply was: “Numbers, one to ten; a hundred words beginning with ‘A’, and ten words rhyming with sing.” The Chinese board accepted the Chinese teacher of English for want of a better man. The new Chinese are eminently a business race, and therefore, in their excellent business judgment, the day will come when they will be compelled to throw away their ideographs so as to avail of the business facilities of our alphabet-typewriter and linotype. The present Chinese ideograph case in a printing office has thousands of ideograph types, and it is a sadly humorous sight on a hot day in humid South China to see a Chinese typesetter darting about the room like a dragon-fly, trying to meet the editor’s demand for an “extra.”