Christian. And how did you then?
Hopeful. I thought I must mend my life; and so I did, leaving my old sins and company too. Likewise I began to read, and pray, and fast, and go to church, and to the sacrament, and to do good. And now for a time I thought all was well; but it was not long before my trouble came again.
Christian. How so? Had you not reformed your life?
Hopeful. Yes; but I had not reformed my heart. I found that was still as bad, or worse than ever; full of anger, pride, lust, and what not? I found my inward parts were very wickedness; that I was earthly, sensual, and devilish, having still a carnal mind that was enmity against God, and brought me into captivity to sin and death. I saw more and more, that there dwelt in me no good thing; no love of God; no true love of my neighbour. Above all, I was convinced I had not faith; not that faith which overcometh the world: and that was always sounding in my ears, He that believeth not shall be damned.
Christian. And what effect had this?
Hopeful. I then remembered that it is written, All our righteousness is as filthy rags, availing nothing toward our reconciliation with God, or the forgiveness of our sins. I saw that all I could do all my life long, would not atone for one sin that was past; nay, though I could now keep all God’s law, and offend in no point. For if a man (thought I) runs a hundred pounds into a merchant’s debt, and after that pays for all that he takes; yet if this old debt stands still in the book uncrossed, the merchant may sue him, and cast him into prison, till he shall pay the whole.
Christian. How did you apply this to yourself?
Hopeful. Why I thought with myself, I have by sin run far in debt with God, and my reforming now will not pay that debt. How then shall I be freed from that damnation, to which I know myself to be justly exposed, by my former transgressions?
Besides, I still saw sin mixing itself with the best actions I could do: So that I was forced to conclude, that, notwithstanding my former opinion of myself, I committed sin enough in one day to send me to hell, though my former life had been faultless.
Christian. And what did you do then?