First, All discoveries of guilt were made by it. God by this spoke in my ear, sins which none save he who searcheth the heart, could know, which I knew not, nor any creature else. By it the secrets of my heart were manifest, so that I was compelled to own, that God was in it of a truth; I could not but cry out, “Come, see a book which told me all that ever I did. Is not this the book of God?”
Secondly, All the discoveries he made of his anger were made by the holy scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropt into my soul, and revealed from heaven against me. It was by the same that he let in upon my soul the glorious discovery of his being, attributes, and his whole will concerning my salvation by Jesus Christ. By the same he conveyed all those quickening, converting, transforming, supporting, composing influences, and let me see the other wonders of his law; excellent things in counsel and knowledge. By this he was pleased to reveal the craft, the power, the actings, and the designs of my enemies; his own designs in my trials, and something of his secret designs in many of his public administrations.
*Thirdly, As all these influences and discoveries were conveyed by his word, so by the peculiar light and power that attended them, he evidenced that his name was there. It taught, not as the greatest, the wisest, the best of men; but with another sort of authority and weight; it spake as never man spake. Whatever it said, my conscience stood to. When it challenged me for what I knew not to be faults, no defences availed; I was scarce sooner accused than arraigned, convicted, condemned. In like manner when God hereby spoke peace, he created it. The dead heard, and the hearer lived. Temptations after it spoke not again. When I was self-destroyed, self-condemned, and cast hereby into the greatest agony; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me; my soul was commanded to be at peace, and there ensued a glorious calm.
5. And [♦]whereas my enemies had often asked me, how I could distinguish the real among so many pretended revelations? God himself now gave me a reply: The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire? And like a hammer, that breaketh the rock in pieces? Jeremiah xxiii. 28, 29. And he was pleased particularly to speak those things, whereat I had stumbled, to my soul, which both humbled me for my former unbelief, and encouraged me to hope, that I should know other things hereafter which I understood not now. Again he satisfied me as to many things, that the time of knowing them was not yet; and that when he saw the proper season to be come, he would shew me plainly of them. He let me see his wisdom and goodness in thus training me up to dependance, for learning of him what I knew not; and shewed me that it was my duty to meditate in his law day and night, and to search the scriptures with all humility; since the secret of the Lord is only with those that fear him, and he will shew none but them his covenant.
[♦] “wheareas” replaced with “whereas”
6. When after this I read the scriptures, and found not that powerful light shining with that warming, quickning, dazzling glory, yet I found an habitual light in my soul, whereby I could almost every where discern part of the glory of the Lord; and by this I was over-awed, and brought still to regard them as the word of God. A light was still reflected on the whole scripture; and I was ordinarily enabled to perceive, how worthy of him, and like himself, every thing was which I read there, and by this abiding light I was capable of discerning therein discoveries of the actings of sin and grace, with a penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, save, the omniscient and only wise God.
CHAPTER V.
Of some other temptations, and his deliverance from them.
1.I BEFORE shewed that when I was in doubt about the holy scriptures, the devil often suggested to me, “how can you expect satisfaction in these things, when men of so much greater abilities have sought it in vain?” And this suggestion was often so violently urged, that I had no spirit left in me.