12. I now began to be in great trouble, not knowing what to do. At length my companion and I determined to lay violent hands on ourselves. In this resolution I continued till night. Then I began to think of the consequences of self-murder. Betimes in the morning I went to prayer, and continued praying ’till about ten o’clock. In my distress I bethought me of one James Harbuckle, a drummer in our regiment. When he came I told him of my condition, and he began to talk to me of the love of Christ to sinners: of repentance toward God, and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. In the evening he was obliged to go; but he promised to send some of his brethren to me. Two of them came at night and explained more at large what James Harbuckle had said. From this time I found another kind of trouble: my sins were so set in array against me, that not an evil work or word, or thought, I had ever given way to, but was brought to my remembrance. Yet I was not so much troubled for fear of hell, as for grief that I had offended so good a God, and had crucified the Son of God afresh. For three days and three nights my distress was so great, that it was as if all my flesh was tearing off my bones, and my bones breaking in pieces, which made me often look at my hands and legs, to see if it was not so.
13. My load so increased, that I was just ready to despair of mercy, when on a sudden it all dropt off. I was on my knees at prayer, when in a moment all my fear was gone. I knew I had redemption in the blood of Christ, the forgiveness of my sins: and the love of God was shed abroad in my heart, enabling me to love all mankind, even my enemies: and him in particular who had been the cause of my deserting. And I had an earnest desire to see and tell him so. And I found every day an increase in love, and in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. I was so delivered from the fear of death, that I could have rejoiced to have died that instant; being filled with prayer, and praise, and thanksgiving, such as no tongue can express. And this sense of the love of God to my soul, I never since lost, not for a moment.
14. I was removed from hence to Dover-Castle, where I sent for Mr. Edwards, the minister of St. Mary’s. He came the next morning, and afterwards attended me very diligently. I desire to thank God for his help, and hope the Lord will bless him for his kindness to me. But I could not be satisfied, till I had sent into the town to enquire, if there were any of the people call’d Methodists there? They sent word, they would come when their day’s work was done: but it being then late, they could not be admitted. On Sunday they came again, and we prayed, and sang, and rejoiced together in the salvation of God, I desired they would come again if I was spared, which they did the following Sunday, when my spirit was so revived, that I could not help declaring to my fellow-soldiers what God had done for my soul. And now my prison was turned into a church, an house of prayer and praise. People crowded in, soldiers and others, to whom Mr. W——r gave an exhortation. When he had done, I stood up, and begged my fellow-soldiers, to cry to God for mercy, and grace to forsake all their sins, lest the day of grace should be past, and they be given over to a reprobate mind.
15. I spent the remaining part of the day in giving a relation of my life, to one who wrote it down from my mouth; but I could not finish it then. Monday, October 23, Mr. Edwards administered the Lord’s Supper to me. In the afternoon Mr. W——r gave another exhortation as I did likewise when he had done, and we sang praises to God with a good courage, and poured out our souls in prayer. The soldier who had threatened to inform against me at St. Philip’s now came in. Formerly I was resolved to kill him, wherever I met him: but I now felt nothing but love and pity. So I earnestly exhorted him to forsake his sins, and seek mercy while it might be found.
16. What follows is added by him who wrote the forgoing relation. We now parted, after I had promised to be with him, during the short remainder of his life, as much as my business would permit. Tuesday the 25th, Mr. Edwards administered the Sacrament to him, and examined him closely as to the state of his soul. He readily answered every question, and declared his desire to depart and to be with Christ. About ten at night I came to him again, and found him employed in exhorting his fellow soldiers, and in praise and prayer. In the same employment he had been the greatest part of the day. In the same he continued till about twelve: when his strength being quite exhausted, he was forced to take some rest. He would fain have slept on his coffin; but we persuaded him to lie on the straw: when he waked, he asked, what o’clock it was? And being answered “about three,” he complained that he had slept too long; but found himself much refresh’d. After Mr. W——r had read and expounded a chapter, and spent some time in prayer and praise, he again exhorted his fellow soldiers, to forsake their sins, particularly those to which he knew they were addicted.
*17. The morning now advancing, he exprest much longing for the happy hour, when he was to “put on, as he called it, his wedding dress” and to be with the Lord. We then left him awhile and when we returned, found him drest in white, standing on a long form, and exhorting all the people. We all joined in prayer, after which he broke out in praise to God his Saviour. Mr. Edwards coming in, asked, how he did? He answered, “Blessed be God, never happier.” After a few more questions he withdrew, and Othen getting on the form again, exhorted all that were present with such joy and fervency of spirit, as testified a hope full of immortality.
18. He was thus employed, when the officer came, to tell him, the time was come; he then chearfully stept off the bench, and without any delay went forwards, and said, “I had a good wife, and I loved her well: but I now go forth with greater pleasure to die, than I did on my wedding day to be married.” When he was out of prison and delivered to the soldiers who were to guard him to the place of execution, he began singing that hymn with a loud voice,
“Behold the Saviour of mankind,
“Nail’d to a shameful tree!”
Walking on he took notice of a company of young soldiers, to whom he earnestly said, “take warning by me, I am young; but 27 years of age, in full health and strength. And yet I shall soon be as water spilt on the ground, which cannot be gathered up. My morning sun goes down at ten o’clock. Yet I have found mercy: and so may you. O that you saw the danger of being out of Christ! If you felt this in the manner I felt it, especially for three days and three nights, it would make the stoutest of you tremble.”