7. About this time one Mr. Donaldson, a reverend old clergyman, preached at Perth, and coming to visit my mother, called for me, and asked me among other questions, “If I sought a blessing upon my learning?” I frankly answered, no. He replied, with a severe look, “Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done much mischief in the church of God.” This saying left so deep an impression on me ever after, that whenever I was any way straitened, I applied to God, by prayer for help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking it before. Yet as to the main, I was still afar off from God, and an enemy to him both in my heart and works.
CHAPTER IV.
Of the increase of his convictions, from Autumn 1690, till May 1693.
1.FOR the better advantage of my education my mother in 1690, removed with me to Edinburgh. I was now again put to school, and in November 1692, entered at the college. Here my knowledge of the law of God daily increased; and therewith my knowledge of sin. I saw more and more, that he was displeased with me for sins which formerly I had not observed. The impressions of my mortality were likewise rivetted in me by new afflictions, and I was more in bondage through the growing fear of death. Again the scriptures being now daily preached, forced me to some enquiry into my own sincerity in religion; and I was willing, provided I might save my bosom-idols, not only to hear, but to do many things.
2. I was now carried far in a form of religion. I prayed not only morning and evening, but at other times too: I wept much in secret: I read and meditated, and resolved to live otherwise than I had done. But this goodness too was as the morning cloud it was force and not nature: and therefore could not be expected to last any longer than the force which occasioned it.
3. While I was under this distress many a wretched shift did I betake myself to for relief. When I read or heard searching things; if any thing that was said seemed to make for me, I greedily catched hold of it. When I found somewhat required that I neither did, nor could even resolve to comply with; I thought to compound and make amends some other way. Or else I questioned, whether God had required it or no? Whether he that taught so was not mistaken? And whether I might not be in a state of salvation, without those marks of it which he assigned. Again, many times when I would not see, I quarrelled with ministers or books for not speaking plainly. Always I carefully sought for the lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that were saving. For I designed but so much religion as would take me to heaven, the very least that would serve the turn. And when none of those shifts availed, I resolved in general, to do all that God commanded. But I soon retracted when he tried me in any particulars that were contrary to my inclinations. And when I saw I must do it, I begged a little respite: with St. Austin, “I was content to be holy, but not yet:” forgetting that a delay is, in God’s account, a refusal; since all his commandments require present obedience. After all ways were tried I blamed my education. I knew religion was a change of heart; but whether mine had undergone this change was the question: Now, thought I, “If I had not been educated religiously, but had changed all at once, it would have been more easily discernable.” Thus was I entangled in my own ways, and even seeking wisdom, I found it not.
4. Although I now seemed to have gone far; yet I was indeed wholly wrong. For being convinced of the necessity of righteousness, but ignorant of Christ, I sought it by the works of the law. Therefore the carnal mind, which was enmity against God, still continued in me: and all my struggles were only a toiling to and fro, between light and love of sin, wherein sin was still conqueror; for my bosom idols I could not part with. Beside the small religion I had, was not abiding, but rose and fell with the above mentioned occasions.
5. About this time Clark’s Martyrology came into my hands. I loved history and read it greedily. The patience, courage, and joy of the martyrs convinced me that there was a reality in religion, beyond the power of nature. I was convinced likewise that I was a stranger to it, because I could not think of suffering. And withal I felt some faint desires after it, so at least, as often to join in Balaam’s wish, Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his.
6. At this time likewise God restrained me from many follies I was inclined to, by bodily infirmity. He provided me too with friends who were very tender of me. He fed me, though I knew him not. But so far was I from being thankful for these mercies, that my proud heart fretted at them. O what reason have I to say, The Lord is good even to the evil and unthankful.