“Thursday 21. I had a miserable night. Sometime after I went to bed, I was sorely assaulted of the devil. I attempted to compose myself, but could not. I was suddenly seized with a weakness, and cold sweat. My heart failed me. My soul was afflicted; my spirit was grieved, and sore vexed. The eye of my faith was darkened; the sense of God’s love departed; and the anger of the Lord seemed revealed towards me. I could see nothing but thick darkness, and hear nothing but thundrings from Sinai! It seemed to me, as though there was a struggle between justice and mercy concerning me. But although I was in such confusion, and perplexity, I saw that mercy got the victory, and triumphed over judgment.”
*“My strength so failed me that it seemed as though I had not an hour to live. I rose however, and dressed myself; but could scarcely pray one word. I cried Mercy! Mercy! Mercy! I stretched myself upon the floor, and could weep only a few tears. I had gone through sore trouble and darkness before this time; but such a night as this, I never had before (and O my God, may I never see such another.) After being for some time on the floor, I got up and walked a little, about the room; and then threw myself upon my knees. Being a little revived, I went to bed again. During the little while I slept, I had before me the cause of my trouble. I soon got up, and my head was now as water, and my eyes a fountain of tears.
“My confidence returned, so that I could look up and believe that the Lord was mine. I went and preached on Zechariah iv. 7. Who art thou O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel thou shalt become a plain; and he shall bring forth the headstone thereof with shoutings, crying, grace, grace unto it. And my soul was humbled to the dust. My praying and preaching was from my very heart. Let it be for ever remembered, to the glory of the great God, and my Saviour Christ, that I was not suffered to be long in this condition. In about half an hour, I received some confidence, and in the morning my faith was increased.
“Let it be also remarked, that the scripture promises were of great comfort to me, particularly Hosea xiv. 1. John ii. 2, 3. Glory, honour, praise, worship, and dominion be ascribed unto thee, O Lord! Ye angels of God, bless him on my behalf! Let all in heaven and all in earth join to worship the triune God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!” The following was some time after.
“Tuesday, 21. I had a sorrowful morning. My soul was in heaviness through manifold temptations. The enemy came upon me in my sleep, and grieved my soul. Although I had joy at night, yet sorrow attended me in the morning. I had intended to have preached on the beatitudes; but finding myself full of troubles and temptations, I changed my purpose and preached from Hebrews iv. 14–16. O my God, must I perish? Hast thou brought me thus far and shall I be cast off? O, forbid it Saviour. Forsake not the work of thine own hands. Come and destroy the work of the devil! My God, my God, do not forsake me. Thou knowest that sin is hateful to me. Have I not a love to righteousness? Do not my soul and flesh cry out for the living God? Am I not willing to go even through the fire, rather than offend Thee? Why then should the enemy prevail against me?
“Jesus hast thou not bought my soul? Am not I thine? O that my head were waters, O that I could even weep tears of blood: Lord God let not thy loving kindness depart from me. Where art thou Jesus thou Son of God! My great High-Priest, where is thy atoning blood? Where is he that was tempted in all points like unto me? Is there no help for me in my God? Why art thou cast down O my soul? O that I could yield my last breath, if nothing else will end the strife! Oh! the languishments of my soul for an absent God! How does my spirit faint within me! How do I pine! O sun of righteousness, arise upon me with healing in thy wings. Come Lord Jesus, O come, and save me for thy mercy’s sake. Where are the soundings of thy bowels, Dost thou not see my labouring breast? Is not my pain even worse than strangling? Return O Lord, see my gasping longing, aching heart. Am I not an object of pity? Have I not need of Thee! Now answer me by fire! Get thyself the victory! I want the seal of thy Spirit, the earnest of my heaven!”
The Lord did hear his prayer. I find it therefore added soon after. “O how plentifully did the Lord pour his love and consolation into my soul! I am amazed at the goodness and long-suffering of God towards me. And I observe in general, that after great heaviness and conflicts, come extraordinary joy and consolation. O may I husband well this precious gift of God!”
CHAPTER XI.
His communion with God.