The extract from his diary continued.
THE account of his experience, given in the preceding chapter, begins with the first year of his conversion; in which likewise he began to labour for the good of his neighbour. And it may be observed, that in his progress, the experience of his heart, had its certain progressive stages, resembling in some degree, that of the shining light, or sun: a day suppose, whose early dawn is clear and promising, and whose light and heat still increase ere long, is overcast with clouds, and disturbed with tempest: the sun however keeps his course, and still goes on to the perfect day. Such likewise is the path of the just, and such was the experience of this servant of God.
The first display of the divine goodness to his soul in justification, was so clear, and his joy thereupon was so exceeding strong, that he had then no expectation of seeing war any more. And he was indeed carried on sweetly, for some considerable time.
But whatever was the cause he afterwards felt otherwise; often groaning under a body of sin and death; complaining of struggles, between nature and grace; and of inconstancy and weakness in general: with ardent pourings out of his soul to God, for complete deliverance. And his thirst after it was considerably augmented, by the transient tastes, with which it pleased God to favour him from time to time, of the heaven of loving him alone, with all the powers of his soul.
The feeling of his heart in reference thereto; the methods which he pursued in order to attain it, and the progress which by the grace of God he made therein, are the subject of this chapter. Only for the sake of some, who desire the fullest information concerning him, I shall prefix a letter he sent me to Bristol, from London, in answer to some enquiries which I made, occasioned by the following circumstance. Some months before he left London, the last time, a report prevailed that he professed to be cleansed from all sin. On my hearing this, I wrote to know it from himself. He sent me the following answer.
London, June 17, 1757.
“My dear Brother.
“WHAT you mention concerning me, I answer thus. 1st. I feel the constant witness of the Spirit of God, that I am forgiven; and that I love God and my neighbour. 2dly. I do not feel any evil tempers. 3dly. I firmly believe that God will eternally save my soul. But whether all sin is taken out of my heart, and the possibility of grieving the Spirit of God, I do not determine; neither do I think that I love either God, or my neighbour as I ought, or as I shall. I am helpless, but God is my strength. I live by faith. I am ashamed. I have no wish, that any one should believe I am saved from all sin. Indeed I ought to justify every one that believes the contrary, supposing it was so. But alas! If Christ did not pray for me, and keep me every moment, I should go to the devil. Galatians ii. 19. is what I feel. Jesus Christ is all in all.
“I have written simply, make the best use you can of it; but say nothing of it to any one (this I request.[¹]) O let me be forgotten: not of God, or of his children in prayer: but as I desire no good to be said of me, I would not have any one sin against God in thinking, or speaking the evil which my heart abhors. It is much to the glory of God, to save a proud, angry, self-willed, fearful, and unbelieving sinner; therefore I almost say, that I glory in mine infirmities, that the strength, and grace of Christ, may rest upon me, and save me from them all; and this he will do, as sure as he is faithful and true.
“I am, your affectionate brother,