*“I received hereby a great support in the performance of these petty exterior offices, and made no difficulty at all to yield myself up to this holily disordered divine order. At the same time I enjoyed such a sensible impression of God, yet excelling all sense, that if I had been thrown like a bowl, I could never have lost the sight of my God. Our Lord turns this bowl in a strange manner, even as it pleaseth him. And these several turnings are all for the soul’s advantage, whereby she is fashioned for every occasion, that she may do nothing for or by herself; but all for God, and according to him.
“I see likewise that one whom God employs in these low affairs, if he follow them with the same fidelity, is as acceptable to God, as one that is employed in the most noble functions. Will nothing please you but to convert worlds? You shall be content to carry stones; and sometimes to sit still and do nothing. You are then to offer the sacrifice of patience. And I believe it is a thousand times more rare, to find a soul thus faithful in patience, and content to do no more than God would have him, than faithful in actions that appear abroad.
“I have one word more to tell you; which is, that I am really ashamed and confounded, that I do no more for God: which indeed, with the sense of my unfitness for any thing that is good, would work me much torment, did I not consider, He is all-sufficient, and doth with us as he pleaseth.”
CHAPTER X.
Of his death.
1.ON the 11th of April, 1649, he found himself very ill, and having concealed his sickness five days, was then constrained to take his bed. He endured great pains all over his body, with which his mind too was so much affected, that he profest, if God had not assisted him against the ravings of his imagination, he should have spoken more extravagancies than any madman. “There was much, he said, in such a condition to humble him. But it was the duty of a sinner to honour God, in all conditions wherein he should place him.”
2. During these great pains and torments, and during the whole course of his sickness, his ordinary employment consisted in affectionate elevations of his soul to God, in thoughts and words of blessing, praise, and submission to whatsoever was laid upon him, and of meekness and perfect obedience to all that attended, and had the care of him, with such a humble and contented spirit, that he thought all well done, though sometimes it was otherwise.
3. His patience never gave way to any complaint. And when his keeper, who was of the hospital of charity, with whom he had visited so many poor and sick, importuned him to declare his pain, *“O sister, said he, how does the love of God wipe away all pain? The servants of God suffer nothing.” Another friend asking, if his pain was not great? He answered, no. The other replied, “He thought it was.” “It is true, saith he, that I am much clogged with my disease; but I feel it not, because I do not think of it.”
4. Being urged to take some sweet things, he refused, saying, “These make little for life or for death.” Yet he refused not physic, but took it with a chearful countenance, though it was very bitter, and he had a great difficulty in swallowing. Indeed when one told him of another medicine which had done great cures, he answered, “Patience is a sovereign remedy,” intimating his unwillingness to try it. Yet when it was brought, he took it without any reluctance.