This increase of knowledge did not however mend, much less heal his heart. No,
The sudden ray of heavenly light,
Which dimly dawned upon his night,
But made his darkness visible,
And left him to a deeper hell.
And even in this respect he found it true, that he that encreaseth knowledge, encreaseth sorrow; a proposition which is universally true, with respect to all the pursuits of the soul after happiness: the knowledge of Jesus Christ, and him crucified, alone excepted. Struggling therefore in his chains, he resolved upon other measures. And finding that his prayers, tears, resolutions, and vows did not avail, he devised another expedient, and came to this determination, solemnly to swear to the Lord, imagining that then it would not be possible that he should break with him afterwards, has had been the case, with all his former efforts.
Accordingly he bound himself by an oath, that for the time to come he would abstain from, and utterly renounce all those sins which had wrought him so much uneasiness. This procedure begot in him for the present, rather some cessation from torment, than true peace, and left him for a while in deep security. But alas! It was not long ere he found this band likewise was altogether weak as the staff of a broken reed. He fell into one of those very sins, against the commission of which he had so sacredly bound himself; involving by this means his enlightened conscience in the additional guilt of (what he called) perjury, and thus rendered his anxiety and embarrassment great beyond description.
Who can conceive what his weary spirit now experienced! His wretchedness and confusion exceeded all the powers of words to express.
Yea, he gave up hope; and became well nigh desperate. He knew not whither to betake himself, or what should be his next step; reasoning thus with himself in the bitterness of his soul, “Since I have perjured myself in one instance, I may as well commit all my old sins over again. Thus (adds he) I was driven by the devil, allured by sin and corruption, and deceived by my own evil heart.”
About this time likewise, it pleased our Lord to visit him with a fit of illness, by which his fears and misery were considerably increased. He often bewailed himself in the uttermost anguish of spirit, with weeping and lamentation, breathing out his soul in moans. “O the guilt of sin; when charged home upon the conscience by the Spirit of God, what an intolerable load! A wounded spirit who can bear!”