“I likewise became now more clearly sensible of the errors which I formerly held. As 1st, Thinking that my own works could merit something from God. 2dly, vainly imagining that there is a place for the purgation of sin after death. When at any time therefore I was asked now, why I had left the church of Rome? I could answer upon good and solid grounds: because I am well assured that the doctrines of merit (to speak of no more) and works of supererogation, are contrary both to reason and scripture.”——To reason, it being absurd to suppose that a creature, receiving life, and breath, and all things from its Creator, should be able to love, adore, and obey him, more than is required of him as his indispensable duty.——To scripture; being flatly contrary to the words of Christ, When ye shall have done all these things which are commanded you, say, that is, take knowledge, we are unprofitable servants.[¹]
[¹] Luke xvii. 10.
“Beside, If the blood of Christ, the merit of all he hath done and suffered, cleanseth from all sin,[¹] what imaginable need can there be of the fire of purgatory? Surely when all sin is cleansed, or taken away, there can be none remaining.” Alas for those who trust for safety to such a staff of a broken reed! Deferring the present opportunities and means of deliverance from sin and death, under the pretence of some future purgation from sin in the invisible world.
[¹] 1 John i. 7.
“If all the light of this world was to be immediately at once extinguished, all human souls that were not in some real degree of regeneration, would immediately find themselves but the rage of fire, and horror of darkness.” O then thou poor sinner, whoever thou art, repent, repent, and turn to God, whilst thou hast flesh upon thee; for as long as that lasts the kingdom of God is nigh at hand: but if thou diest without true conversion, better thou hadst never been born! For then “black lakes, bottomless pits, ages of a gnawing worm, and a fire that never ceases to burn, will stand between thee and the kingdom of heaven for ever.”
His now encreasing knowledge in the things of God; his ability from the holy scriptures to distinguish between truth and error, became daily and justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. But yet his unregenerate nature was not, could not be truly at rest. The word of God was now indeed his study and delight. But it served likewise, by shewing him how his heart and life must be, more deeply to distress him. The commandment in its spiritual and extensive meaning, still dissecting his inward parts, slew him (Romans vii. 8–11.) so that he was clearly and distressingly sensible of his death in trespasses and sins. His convictions and anguish of spirit became therefore more afflictive than ever.
The small cessation from pain which his relinquishing popery afforded, served now, only to augment his sorrow, to find that after all, the great affair was yet to do. And such was his present anxiety, that he even forgot, or neglected to eat his bread. “My conscience (says he) still condemned me, there was no rest in my bones by reason of sin.” And yet meaning to make sure work, he desired to know the uttermost of his evil and danger. To this end he read those passages, both divine and human, which seemed most to condemn him: “For I was willing (adds he) to know the worst of my condition: not indeed that this was always the case. Sometimes the devil, and the corruption of my nature so far prevailed as to hush my conscience, and drown my convictions, by a variety of thoughts, and things.”
Thus far did he labour through the furnace of heart-tormenting conflict; assaulted on the one hand by the Romanists, who still wrought him all the trouble they could, both by calumny and contention: And on the other, by the ruler of the darkness of this world; Satan and his emissaries, seeking to devour him. Our Lord’s words, John xvi. 21. were literally verified in him; as indeed they are more or less, in every one that is truly born again. He travailed in birth, and was in sorrow, and pain to be delivered. The agony of his heart frequently extorted from him, complaints to this effect, the sorrows of death have compassed me about, and the pains of hell have got hold upon me! He found trouble and heaviness. In his distress he cried unto the Lord, and said, O Lord I beseech thee deliver my soul! I am oppressed, undertake for me!
And thus he remained for some time waiting, and longing for his God, even as the thirsty ground for showers. His sorrow it is true was often interspersed with gleams of sweetly reviving hope. That yet a little while, and he whom he sought would come, and would not tarry, while his very pulse still beat, Make no long tarrying, O my God. Make haste my beloved, and come away. Be thou like a roe, or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether. The Lord did indeed wait to be gracious to him, and was exalted in having mercy upon him. He brought to the birth, and gave strength to bring forth. For the spirit of heaviness, he afterwards received the garments of praise, and for mourning the oil of joy.