Thursday, September 16. I enjoyed much of God in secret prayer: felt an uncommon resignation, to be and do what God pleased. Some days past, I felt great perplexity on account of my past conduct: my bitterness, and want of Christian kindness and love, has been very distressing to my soul: the Lord forgive me my unchristian warmth, and want of a spirit of meekness!
Saturday, September 18. I felt compassion for souls, and mourned I had no more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and love towards all mankind than ever. I longed to be at the feet of my enemies and persecutors: enjoyed some sweetness, in feeling my soul conformed to Christ Jesus, and given away to him for ever.
[Through this, and the two following weeks, he passed through a variety of exercises: he was frequently dejected, and sometimes sunk into the depths of melancholy: Not with regard to the favour of God, but about his own sinful infirmities, and unfitness for God’s service. Though his mind was extremely depressed with a sense of inexpressible vileness, yet, in the mean time, he had many seasons of comfort and spiritual refreshment.]
*Lord’s-day, October 17. I had a sense of my helplessness; especially when I went to the place of public worship. I found I could not speak a word for God without his special assistance: I went into the assembly trembling, under a sense of my insufficiency to do any thing as I ought to do.—But it pleased God to afford me much assistance, and there seemed to be a considerable effect on the hearers.—O that I might be “faithful to the death, fulfilling as an hireling my day,” till the shades of the evening of life shall free my soul from the toils of the day! This evening I felt such longing desires after deliverance from sin, and conformity to God, as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be “delivered from this body of death!” to be conformed to God entirely, fully, and for ever.—I scarce ever preach without being first visited with inward conflicts and sore trials. Blessed be the Lord for these trials and distresses, as they are blessed for my humbling.
Monday, October 18. I felt some sweetness, but was still pressed through trials of soul. My life is a constant mixture of consolations and conflicts, and will be so till I arrive at the world of spirits.
Tuesday, October 19. This morning and last night, felt a sweet longing in my soul after holiness: my soul seemed so to reach and stretch towards the mark of perfect sanctity, that it was ready to break with longings.
*Thursday, October 21. I had a very deep sense of the vanity of the world, and had little more regard to it, than if I had been to go into eternity the next hour. Through divine goodness, I felt very serious and solemn. O, I love to live on the brink of eternity! This gives me a sweet, awful, and reverential sense of God and divine things, when I see myself as it were standing before the judgment seat of Christ.
*Friday, October 22. I was uncommonly weaned from the world: my soul delighted to be a stranger and a pilgrim on the earth; I felt a disposition never to have any thing to do with this world: the character given of some of the antient people of God, in Hebrews xi. 13. was very pleasing to me, “they confessed that they were pilgrims and strangers on the earth,” and O that I could always do so!—It is sweet to be thus weaned from friends, and from myself, and dead to the world, that I may live wholly to and upon the blessed God.
Monday, October 26. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the divine presence: it was a sweet and comfortable season: my soul longed for God, for the living God: enjoyed a sweet solemnity of spirit, and longing desire after the recovery of the divine image: “Then shall I be satisfied, when I shall awake in God’s likeness,” and never before.
Tuesday, October 27. [At West-Suffield] I underwent the most dreadful distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness: it seemed to me, I deserved rather to be driven out of the place, than to have any body to come to hear me preach. And verily my spirits were so depressed, that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness: I could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely vile in myself. Oh, what dust and ashes I am, to think of preaching the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment, but shall certainly “daub with untempered mortar,” if God do not grant me special help.—In the evening, I went to the meeting-house, and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach, as for me. However God was pleased to lift me up and enable me to preach. O the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner!