[One main occasion of that distressing gloominess, next to natural [♦]melancholy, was reflecting on his past errors and misguided zeal at college. Therefore he repeated his endeavours for reconciliation with the governors of the college. And although he had been at New-Haven, in June, and had attempted a reconciliation; yet in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt, but still in vain.]
[♦] “melancholly” replaced with “melancholy”
Saturday, July 30. Just at night, I moved into my own house, and lodged there; and I found it much better spending the time alone at my own house, than in the wigwam where I was before.
Wednesday, August 3. I am now uninterruptly alone; and find my retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days past, than for some time before. I longed after holiness, humility and meekness: O that God would enable me to “pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear,” and always live to him!
*Thursday, August 4. I have generally found the more I do in secret prayer, the more I enjoy of a spirit of prayer; and I frequently have found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise, I have been deprived of retirement. A seasonable steady performance of secret duties in their proper hours, and a careful improvement of all time, filling up every hour with some profitable labour, either of heart, head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God. “Christ” indeed “is our peace, and by him we have boldness of access to God;” but a good conscience void of offence, is an excellent preparation for an approach to the divine presence. Filling up our time with and for God, is the way to rise up and lie down in peace.
Saturday, August 13. I was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul: I found the comfort of being a Christian: “I counted the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed to disappear, and I “remembered no more the sorrow for joy.”—With what a filial tenderness, the soul hangs on, and confides in the Rock of ages, at such a season, that he will “never leave it nor forsake it,” that he will cause all things to work together for its good; I longed that others should know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies. I longed that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing else. I felt exceeding serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way.
Monday, August 15. In my weak state of body, I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food. I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity: and then again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it. And this was my case now: but through divine goodness I had some Indian meal, of which I made little cakes, and fried them. And I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances, as if I had been a king, and I never feel comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot be holy, I must be miserable for ever.
Lord’s day, August 21. I fell down before the Lord, and groaned under my own vileness, barrenness, deadness, and felt as if I was guilty of foul murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had done.—I was very full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that I had spent so much time to so little profit.
*Monday, August 22. I had intense breathings of soul after holiness, and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to work it in myself. O, with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get a conformity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace one cubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at least groaning, that it cannot obtain purity of heart.
*Tuesday, August 23. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends, and enemies. My soul was concerned for Christ’s kingdom that it might appear in the whole earth. And I abhorred the very thought of a party in religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have the glory for ever.