[¹] In proper English thus, “I tried and tried to save myself, till at last my strength was all gone, and I could not stir any further. Then at last I was forced to let Jesus Christ alone to send me to hell if he pleased.”
[²] In plain English thus, “I could not help it. My heart would be wicked for all I could do, I could not make it good.”
[³] “By and by my heart was exceeding glad that Jesus Christ would do with me what he pleased. Then I thought my heart would be glad although Christ should send me to hell. I did not care where he put me, I should love him for all: i. e. do what he would with me.”
*And she could not readily be convinced, but that she was willing to go to hell, if Christ was pleased to send her there. Though the truth evidently was, her will was so swallowed up in the divine will, that she could not frame any hell in her imagination that would be dreadful, provided it was the will of God to send her to it.
December 25. The Indians having been used upon Christmas-days to drink and revel among the white people, I thought proper to call them together, and discourse to them upon divine things: which I accordingly did from the parable of the barren figtree, Luke xiii. 6–9. The power of God appeared in the assembly, by awakening several stupid creatures, that were scarce ever moved before. And the impressions made upon the assembly in general, seemed not superficial, but deep and heart-affecting. O how ready did they appear to comply with every thing they were convinced was their duty! God was in the midst of us of a truth, bowing and melting stubborn hearts! How many tears and sobs were then to be seen and heard among us! What liveliness and strict attention! What eagerness and intenseness of mind! They seemed to watch and wait for the dropping of God’s word, as the thirsty earth for the “former and latter rain.”
December 26. This evening I was visited by a person under great spiritual exercise. She was a woman of more than four-score years old, and appeared to be much broken and very childish through age, so that it seemed impossible for man to instil into her mind any notions of divine things.—She was led by the hand into my house, and appeared in extreme anguish. I asked her, what ailed her? She answered, “That her heart was distressed, and she feared she should never find Christ.” I asked her, when she began to be concerned? She answered to this effect, That she had heard me preach many times, but never “felt it in her heart” till the last sabbath; and then it came, she said, “all one as if a needle had been [♦]thrust into her heart;” since which time she had no rest day or night. She added, that on the evening before Christmas, a number of Indians being together at the house where she was, and discoursing about Christ, their talk pricked her heart, so that she could not sit up, but fell down on her bed; at which time she went away, (as she expressed it) and felt as if she dreamed, and yet is confident she did not dream. When she was thus gone, she saw, she says, two paths, one appeared very broad and crooked; and that turned to the left hand. The other appeared strait and very narrow; and that went up the hill to the right hand. She travelled, she said, for some time up the narrow right-hand path, till at length something seemed to obstruct her journey. She sometimes called it darkness, and sometimes compared it to a block or bar. She then remembered, she says, what she had heard me say about “striving to enter in at the strait gate,” (although she took little notice of it at that time) and thought she would climb over this bar. But just as she was thinking of this, she came back again, as she termed it, meaning that she came to herself; whereupon her soul was extremely distressed, apprehending she had now turned back and forsaken Christ, and that there was therefore no hope of mercy for her.
[♦] “thurst” replaced with “thrust”
I then proposed to her the provision made in the gospel for the salvation of sinners, and the ability and willingness of Christ “to save to the uttermost all” (old as well as young) “that come to him.” To which she seemed to give a hearty assent. But instantly replied, “Ay, but I cannot come; my wicked heart will not come to Christ, I do not know how to come.” And this she spoke in anguish of spirit, striking her breast, with tears in her eyes; and with such earnestness in her looks as was indeed affecting.
She seems to be really convinced of her sin and misery, and her need of a change of heart: and her concern is abiding and constant. So that nothing appears but that this exercise may have a saving issue. And indeed there is ground to hope for it, seeing she is solicitous to obtain an interest in Christ, that her heart, (as she expresses it) prays day and night.
December 28. I discoursed to my people in the catechetical method I lately entered upon. And in the improvement of my discourse, wherein I was comparing man’s present with his primitive state; and pressing sinners to take a view of their deplorable circumstances without Christ; as also to strive that they may obtain an interest in him; the Lord granted a remarkable influence of his blessed Spirit, and there was a great concern in the assembly: many were melted into tears, and the impressions made upon them seemed deep and heart affecting. And in particular, there were two or three persons who appeared to be reduced almost to extremity; being convinced of the impossibility of helping themselves, or mending their own hearts; and upon the point of giving up all hope in themselves, and venturing upon Christ as naked, helpless and undone.