Lord’s-day, January 19. I catechised in my ordinary method. Numbers were much affected. —Convictions powerfully revived.—Divers of the Christians refreshed and strengthened.—And one weary heavy laden soul, I have reason to hope, was brought to solid comfort in Christ.
*He told me, he had often heard me say, that persons must see and feel themselves helpless and undone; that they must give up all hope of saving themselves by their own doings, in order to their coming to Christ for salvation. And he had long been striving after this; supposing this would be an excellent frame of mind: that God would have respect to this frame, and bestow eternal life upon him.——But when he came to feel himself in this helpless undone condition, he found it quite contrary to all his thoughts: so that it was not the same, nor indeed any thing like the frame he had been seeking after. Instead of its being a good frame of mind, he now found nothing but badness in himself, and saw it for ever impossible for him to make himself any better. He was amazed he had never before seen that it was utterly impossible for him, by all his contrivances and endeavours, to do any thing that way.——Instead of imagining that God would be pleased with him for the sake of this frame of mind, he saw clearly it would be just with God to send him to eternal misery; and that there was no goodness in what he then felt; for he could not help seeing, that he was naked, sinful, and miserable, and there was nothing in such a sight to deserve God’s love or pity.
In this frame of mind he came to public worship this evening, and while I was inviting sinners to come to Christ naked and empty, without any goodness of their own to recommend them to his acceptance; he thought, that he had often tried to come and give up his heart to Christ, and he used to hope, that some time or other he should be able to do so. But now he was convinced he could not, and it seemed utterly vain for him ever to try any more: nor did he now hope for a better opportunity hereafter, as he had formerly done, because he saw, and was fully [♦]convinced, his own strength would for ever fail.
[♦] “conviced” replaced with “convinced”
*While he was musing in this manner, he saw, he said, with his heart (which is a common phrase among them) something that was unspeakably good and lovely, and what he had never seen before; and “this stole away his heart whether he would or no.” He did not, he said, know what it was he saw. He did not say, “this is Jesus Christ;” but it was such glory and beauty as he never saw before. He did not now give away his heart so as he had formerly attempted to do, but it went away of itself after that glory he then discovered. He used to try to make a bargain with Christ, to give up his heart to him, that he might have eternal life for it. But now he thought nothing about himself, but his mind was wholly taken up with the unspeakable excellency of what he then beheld.
After some time he was wonderfully pleased with the way of salvation by Christ: so that it seemed unspeakably better to be saved altogether by the mere free grace of God in Christ, than to have any hand in saving himself.——And the consequence is, that he appears to retain a relish of divine things, and to maintain a life of true religion.
Lord’s-day, January 26. After public worship, I was in a sweet and solemn frame of mind, thankful to God that he had made me in some measure faithful in addressing precious souls, but grieved that I had been no more fervent in my work; and tenderly affected towards all the world, longing that every sinner might be saved; and could not have entertained any bitterness towards the worst enemy living. In the evening, I rode to Elisabeth-Town: while riding I was almost constantly engaged in lifting up my heart to God, lest I should lose that sweet heavenly solemnity and composure of soul I enjoyed. Afterwards I was pleased, to think, that God reigneth; and thought, I could never be uneasy with any of his dispensations; but must be entirely satisfied, whatever trials he should cause me or his church to encounter. I never felt more divine serenity and composure of mind: I could freely have left the dearest earthly friend, for the society of “angels, and spirits of just men made perfect:” my affections soared aloft to the blessed Author of every dear enjoyment: I viewed the emptiness and unsatisfactory nature of the most desireable earthly objects, any further than God is seen in them: and longed for a life of spirituality and inward purity; without which, I saw, there could be no true pleasure.
January 28. The Indians in these parts having in times past run themselves in debt by their excessive drinking; and some having taken the advantage of them, and arrested sundry of them; whereby it was supposed their hunting lands might speedily be taken from them: I being sensible that they could not subsist together in these parts, if these lands should drop out of their hands, thought it my duly to use my utmost endeavours to prevent it. And having acquainted the gentlemen concerned in this mission with the affair, they thought it proper to expend the money they had been collecting for the religious interests of the Indians, (at least a part of it,) for the discharging of their debts, and securing of these lands.—And having received orders from them, I answered, in behalf of the Indians, Eighty-two pounds five shillings, New-Jersey currency.
January 31. This day the person I had engaged for a school-master among the Indians, arrived among us, and was heartily welcomed by my people.——Whereupon I distributed several dozen of primers among the children and young people.
February 1, 1745–6. My school-master entered upon his business among the Indians.—He has generally about thirty children and young persons in his school in the day-time, and about fifteen married people in his evening-school. The number of the latter sort of persons being less than it would be, if they could be more constant at home.