After this he was brought to a kind of calmness; he appeared perfectly sedate; although he had no sure hope of salvation.
*I observed him remarkably composed, and asked him how he did? He replied, “It is done, it is done, it is all done now.” I asked him what he meant? He answered, “I can never do any more to save myself; it is all done for ever, I can do no more.” I queried with him, whether he could not do a little more rather than to go to hell. He replied, “My heart is dead, I can never help myself.” I asked him, what he thought would become of him then? He answered, “I must go to hell.” I asked him, if he thought it was right that God should send him to hell? He replied, “O it is right. The devil has been in me ever since I was born.” I asked him, if he felt this when he was in such great distress the evening before? He answered, “No, I did not think it was right. I thought God would send me to hell, and that I was then dropping into it; but my heart quarrelled with God, and would not say it was right he should send me there. But now I know it is right, for I have always served the devil, and my heart has no goodness in it now, but it is as bad as ever it was,”—I scarce ever saw any person more effectually brought off from a dependence upon his own endeavours for salvation.
In this frame of mind he continued for several days, passing sentence of condemnation upon himself, and constantly owning, that it would be right he should be damned, and that he expected this would be his portion. And yet it was plain he had a secret hope of mercy, which kept him from pressing distress: so that instead of being sad and dejected, his very countenance appeared pleasant and agreeable.
*It was remarkable in this season that he seemed to have a great love to the people of God, and nothing [♦]affected him so much as the thoughts of being separated from them. This seemed to be a very dreadful part of the hell he thought himself doomed to.—It was likewise remarkable, that in this season he was most diligent in the use of all means for his salvation; although he had the clearest view of the insufficiency of means to afford him help.
[♦] “effected” replaced with “affected” per Errata
*After he had continued in this frame of mind more than a week, while I was discoursing publicly, he seemed to have a lively view of the excellency of Christ, and the way of salvation by him, which melted him into tears, and filled him with admiration, comfort, and praise to God; since which he has appeared to be an humble, devout, and affectionate Christian; serious and exemplary in his conversation and behaviour, frequently complaining of his want of warmth, life, and activity, and yet frequently favoured with quickening influences. And in all respects he bears the marks of one “created anew in Christ Jesus.”
His zeal for the cause of God was pleasing to me, when he was with me at the Forks of Delaware in February last. There being an old Indian who threatened to bewitch me and my people who accompanied me; this man challenged him to do his worst, telling him, that himself had been as great a conjurer as he, and that notwithstanding as soon as he felt that word in his heart which these people loved, his power of conjuring immediately left him.—And so it would you, said he, if you did but once feel it in your heart; and you have no power to touch one of them.
Saturday, May 10. I rode to Allen’s-Town, to assist in the administration of the Lord’s supper. In the afternoon I preached from Titus ii. 14. God was pleased to carry me through with some freedom; and yet to deny me that enlargement I longed for. In the evening my soul mourned, that I had treated so excellent a subject in so defective a manner. And if my discourse had met with the utmost applause from all the world, it would not have given me any satisfaction: Oh, it grieved me to think, that I had had no more holy warmth, that I had been no more melted in discoursing of Christ’s death, and the design of it! Afterwards, I enjoyed freedom and fervency in secret and family prayer, and longed much for the presence of God to attend his word and ordinances the next day.
Lord’s-day, May 11. I assisted in the administration of the Lord’s supper; but enjoyed little enlargement. In the afternoon I went to the house of God weak and sick in soul, as well as feeble in body: and longed, that the people might be edified with divine truths, and that an honest fervent testimony might be borne for God; but knew not how it was possible for me to do any thing of that kind, to any good purpose. Yet God, who is rich in mercy, was pleased to give me assistance, both in prayer and preaching: God helped me to wrestle for his presence in prayer, and to tell him, that he had promised, “Where two or three are met together in his name, there he would be in the midst of them;” and pleaded, that for his truth’s sake he would be with us. And blessed be God, it was sweet to my soul, thus to plead, and rely on God’s promises. I discoursed upon Luke ix. 30. “And behold there talked with him two men, which were Moses and Elias; who appeared in glory, and spake of his decease, which he should accomplish at Jerusalem.” I enjoyed special freedom, from the beginning to the end of my discourse. Things pertinent to the subject were abundantly presented to my view; and such a fullness of matter, that I scarce knew how to dismiss the various heads I had occasion to touch upon. And, blessed be the Lord, I was favoured with fervency and power, as well as freedom; so that the word of God seemed to awaken the attention of a stupid audience, to a considerable degree. I was inwardly refreshed with the consolations of God; and could with my whole heart say, “Though there be no fruit in the vine, &c. yet will I rejoice in the Lord.”
Friday, May 16. I enjoyed some agreeable conversation with a dear minister, which was blessed to my soul; my heart was warmed, and my soul engaged to live to God; so that I longed to exert myself with more vigour, than ever I had done in his cause; and those words were quickening to me, “Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bring forth much fruit.” Oh, my soul longed, and wished, and prayed, to be enabled to live to God with constancy and ardour! In the evening, God was pleased to shine upon me in secret prayer, and draw out my soul after himself: and I had freedom in supplication for myself, but much more in intercession for others: so that I was sweetly constrained to say, “Lord, use me as thou wilt; do as thou wilt with me: but Oh, promote thine own cause! Zion is thine; Oh visit thine heritage! Oh let thy kingdom come! Oh let thy blessed interest be advanced in the world!” When I attempted to look to God, respecting my settling in my congregation, which seems to be necessary, and yet contrary to my fixed intention for years past, as well as my disposition, which has been, and still is, to spend my life in preaching the gospel from place to place, and gathering souls afar off to Jesus the great Redeemer; when I attempted to look to God with regard to these things, I could only say, “The will of the Lord be done: it is no matter for me.”