But alas! the Comforter was as a guest that tarrieth but a day. She soon gave place to the reasoning devil, who asked, How can these things be? “How can you be justified, so vile a sinner as you? You only deceive yourself! Hath God for Christ’s sake forgiven you? He hath not surely forgiven you.” By such suggestions he well-nigh tore away her shield. All the comfort of her faith, all her peace and joy in believing he did entirely spoil her of; God so permitting it, to try her, and prove her, and shew her what was in her heart, that he might do her good in her latter end. He hid his face from her, and she was troubled. “I will allure her, said God, and bring her into the wilderness.” Here she long wandered out of the way, in a barren and dry land, where no water was. The poor and needy sought water, and there was none, and her tongue failed for thirst. She could truly say with the prophet, Verily thou art a God that hidest thyself. Or, with the patient man, Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I cannot perceive him; on the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him; he hideth himself on the right hand, [♦]that I cannot see him. Her bones were smitten asunder, as with a sword, while the enemy said unto her, “Where is now thy God? Where is now thy faith? Thou art a thousand times worse than ever.”
[♦] “but” replaced with “that” per Errata
So indeed she seemed to herself, when sin appeared sin. God was now uncovering her heart, and convincing her of original sin. The old man of sin was more and more revealed, till at last she saw that her inward parts were very wickedness, and every imagination of the thoughts of her heart only evil continually. She had no power to pray or praise, or so much as to think one good thought, and at the same time was so torn and distracted with doubts and fears, that she dispaired even of life. That thought above all tormented her, “What would become of me, if I should die in this darkness? Without holiness no one shall see the Lord.” At other times she had a faint persuasion, that God would finish his work before he called her hence.
She durst not say she had faith, or any interest in Christ; and yet she could not give it up. One little spark of hope lay as at the very bottom of her heart; which was Christ’s hold of her. He would not quit his purchase, or let her go.
Even this was often a great trouble to her, that she could not fear death as formerly; (for this fear was entirely cast out the first moment she was sensible of her justification). And, whenever she had the least comfort or peace, she started back as it were, and feared to take hold of it, suspecting that she was falling asleep again, and resting without Christ. She went mourning all the day long, and refused to be comforted, because he was not.
For many days and months she walked on still in darkness, and had no light, but against hope believed in hope; staggering oftentimes, but not falling through unbelief. Still she bore up under her continual fears of being a castaway. She waited in a constant use of all the means of grace; never missed the communion, or hearing the word, though all was torment to her, for she never found benefit; nothing she said, affected her, there was none so wicked as her. I am a witness to her many complaints and wailings. Yet she persisted with a glorious obstinacy; and followed on to know the Lord, walking in all his commandments and ordinances blameless. She went on steadily in the way of her duty, never intermitting it on account of her inward conflicts. Not slothful in business, but working almost continually with her own hands. Most strict was she, and unblameable in all her relative duties, and in all manner of conversation. Those who lived with her never heard a light and trifling word come out of her mouth. She did not sit still, till she should be pure in heart, but redeemed the time, and bought up every opportunity of doing good. To do good she never forgot, but spoke to all, and warned all, both children and grown persons, as God delivered them into her hands. She was exceeding tender-hearted towards the sick, whether in body or soul. She could not rejoice with those that rejoiced, but she wept with those that wept, and encouraged them to wait upon God, to be never weary of well-doing; for in the end said she, they would reap, if they fainted not.
*See here a pattern of true mourning! A spectacle for men and angels! A soul standing up under the intolerable weight of original sin! Troubled on every side! perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted by sin, the world, and the devil, but not forsaken; cast out, but not destroyed; walking on as evenly under that load of darkness, as if she had been in the broad light of God’s countenance. Whosoever thou art that seekest Christ sorrowing, go thou and do likewise.
In this agony she continued, till it pleased God to visit her with her last sickness. For the two or three first days, she could not be kept from the word, but was then constrained to take her bed. She had early notice of her departure, and told one of her band, that she should not recover. She had express’d great earnestness to see me, but I could not visit her ’till the Thursday following. I then found her, to her own sense and feeling, in utter despair. “I am dying, (she cried) without pardon, without a Saviour, without hope.” I prayed in full assurance of faith, and then testified the love of Christ to her, a lost sinner; declaring to her, that he would fulfil in her the work of faith with power. “My soul for your’s (I told her) if you depart hence, before your eyes have seen his salvation. Yet a little while, and he that shall come will come, and will not tarry. The word of our God shall stand for ever. Every one that seeketh findeth. Fear not; behold, he comes quickly; and one moment of his presence will make you abundant amends for all the pain of absence.”
When I was gone, her sufferings rather increased, and Satan raged the more. The lyon tore her as it were to pieces: she was in a mighty conflict, and said, “None knows what I have gone thro’ in this sickness; my enemy triumphs over me; it is the hour of darkness, it is more than I am able to bear.”
*The captive exile hasteneth that she may be loosed, and that she should not die in the pit, nor that her bread should fail. This trial was the severest of all. “The devil (she said) besets me sorely, I shall never hold out; I shall perish at last; but if I am lost I am content: tho’ I go down to hell, let but Christ be with me, and I will go without fear.” Here she seemed to be strengthened to endure a greater agony. She drank of the cup which her Lord drank of, and had fellowship in those sufferings, which made him cry out, My God my God, why hast thou forsaken me! To compleat her distress, the angel of death came! She was struck and changed on a sudden (so that one came and told me she was just a dying.) Then as man would judge, she let go her hold of God: And the spirit failed before him, and the soul which he had made.