J. C.
April 14, 1761.
Reverend and dear Sir,
GOD has been more gracious to my soul than I could ask or think. I find him as a place of broad waters, deep and large, and I feel my inability to fathom that depth of love. In Jesus are all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge hid: and he has begun to reveal them to the most ignorant soul. But it is impossible to describe the goodness of God, the great God, to so unworthy an object!
From the last morning you preached, I was stirred up to seek him more diligently than ever. You then discovered my heart to me, and what was wanting there. I was kept in prayer, and would have parted with all things, so I might win Christ. I wanted to love him with all my heart; but my own wisdom was his rival. Nothing less than Omnipotence could destroy this: and his own right hand got the victory. I was made sensible how compleatly foolish, and entirely helpless I was. My vehement soul stood still; and I saw Jesus was all my salvation. He was all my desire; and I knew he was made unto me sanctification and redemption. He appears as a priest, upon the throne, who shall bear the glory for ever. I feel my continual need of him, in all his offices. He is truly precious to my soul; but I want to know him more, and the power of his resurrection. I am happy in his love; but I want more intimate acquaintance and a deeper union with him. I see, the just shall live by faith: and unto me, who am less than the least of all saints, is this grace given. If I were an archangel, I should veil my face before him, and let silence speak his praise!
May 2.
I BELIEVE, while memory remains in me, gratitude will continue. I know, many are the troubles of the righteous: but out of them all doth the Lord deliver. I have never desired to hide any distress or difficulty from you at any time. Is this any reason, why you should tell me, what those are which now surround you? If I could remove the least of them by knowing it, I should be importunate.
From the time you preached on Galatians v. 5. I saw clearly the true state of my soul. That sermon described my heart, and what it wanted to be truly happy. You read Mr. M.’s letter, and it described the religion which I desired. From that time the prize appeared in view, and I was enabled to follow hard after it. I was kept watching unto prayer, sometimes in much distress, at others in patient expectation of the blessing. For some days before you left London, my soul was stayed on a promise I had applied to me in prayer, The Lord whom ye seek shall suddenly come to his temple. I believed he would, and that he would sit there as a refiner’s fire. The Tuesday after you went, I thought I could not sleep, unless he fulfilled his word that night. I never knew, as I did then, the force of these words, Be still, and know that I am God. I became nothing before him, and enjoyed perfect calmness in my soul. I knew not whether he had destroyed my sin; but I desired to know, that I might praise him. Yet I soon found the return of unbelief, and groaned, being burdened. On Wednesday I went to London, and sought the Lord without ceasing. I promised, if he would save me from sin, I would praise him. I could part with all things, so I might win Christ. But I found all these pleas nothing worth, and that if he saved me, it must be freely for his own name’s sake. On Thursday, after I had been with S. Guildford, and B. Dixon, I was so much tempted, that I thought of destroying myself, or never conversing more with the people of God. And yet I had no doubt of his pardoning love: but “’twas worse than death my God to love, and not my God alone.” On Friday my distress was deepened. I endeavoured to pray, and could not. I went to Mrs. D. who prayed for me, and told me, it was the death of nature. I opened the bible on the fearful and unbelieving—shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone. I could not bear it. I opened it again on Mark xvi. 6, 7. Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth.—Go your way; tell his disciples, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him. I was encouraged, and enabled to pray, believing I should see Jesus at home. I returned that night, and found Mrs. G. She prayed for me: and the Predestinarian had no plea, but, “Lord, thou art no respecter of persons.” He proved he was not, by blessing me. I was in a moment enabled to lay hold on Jesus Christ, and found salvation by simple faith. He assured me, the Lord, the King was in the midst of me, and that I should see evil no more. I now blessed him, who had visited and redeemed me, and was become my wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. I saw Jesus altogether lovely, and knew he was mine in all his offices. And glory be to him, he now reigns in my heart without a rival. I find no will but his. I feel no pride, nor any affection but what is placed upon him. I know, it is by faith I stand, and that watching unto prayer must be the guard of faith. I am happy in God this moment, and I believe for the next. I have often read the chapter you mention, and compared my heart and life with it. In so doing, I find my short-comings, and the need I have of the atoning blood. Yet I dare not say, I do not feel a measure of the love there described, though I am not all I shall be. I desire to be lost in that love which passeth knowledge. I wish for no joy, but what increases love.