May the God whom you serve bless your labours with great success! I wish you good luck in his name. The weapons of your warfare are mighty through him: you need not fight uncertainly, as one that beateth the air, but prove in every circumstance, This is the victory, even our faith. Continue to shew your care over me, by reproving and advising me as you judge needful. I am sensible of all my obligations to you, and am,
Dear Sir,
Your obliged and affectionate Servant.
SOME ACCOUNT
OF
THE EXPERIENCE
OF
E. J.
1. FOR many years I had a desire to love God, and thought I could submit to be of any sect or denomination, if this would bring me nearer to him: only rejecting the name of a Methodist. For I thought them to be a deluded people, and the off scouring of the earth. I was in this temper, when I heard a Minister preach on All mine are thine, and thine are mine. It came to my heart, and I found such a measure of happiness, as I never had done before. But having none to strengthen my hands, or build me up, it gradually died away.
2. After this, a clergyman having been at prayers, a gentlewoman asked me, how I liked him? I said, “Very well: he has had a liberal education, and speaks in a graceful manner.” She said, “But man cannot reach the heart. Did you ever hear the small still voice, whispering peace to your soul?” I felt something of prejudice rise at the question, and replied, “I have lived a good life. I have done no harm, and I do not omit my duty. I go to church every day.” She said, “I am sorry you have got no further.” I was surprised at her impertinence, and rose up to go away. She intreated me to stay a little, saying, “I have but another word to speak. If you are not delivered by a higher power than you have known yet, you will never be saved.” The word higher power struck me to the heart, and brought a ray of light, which shewed me, that notwithstanding all my works, I was without God in the world. I found a load of guilt which struck me with terror. I saw my heart was as a cage of unclean birds. I believed, now I shall be a castaway, and knew not where to hide me. I could not speak, but withdrew and retired to my closet, and wrestled with God in mighty prayer. I resolved not to let him go till he had blessed me: crying, “I renounce all I am and all I have: if thou hast any blessing for me, bless me now!” Thus I continued an hour, when those words came with power, Abide in me and I in thee. I cried out with much assurance, “My Lord and my God! What is this thou hast done for me?” In the twinkling of an eye my soul was quickened. The seed of God was sown in my heart. My sins were blotted out, and I was raised from the dead, by the word of reconciliation. I felt virtue proceed from Christ, which took away my sins. I now partook of Angel’s food, and knew that I was born of God.
3. For three weeks I remained exceeding happy. My lamp was lighted, and I had oil in my vessel. The scriptures were opened to me, and were spirit and life: in the Lord’s supper I found the peace that passeth all understanding. None can express the excellency of the virtue which flows from the merits of Christ. I was grafted into the vine, and thereby enabled to draw water out of the wells of salvation. Yet I found, there was much in me contrary to the will of God. I had not all the mind that was in Christ. Nay, there remained much of the carnal mind. There was enmity, and strife, and vainglory, which soon embittered my sweets. My heart was bent to backsliding, and continually ready to comply with the suggestions of Satan. I gave way to evil reasoning, which caused peevishness and impatience: and these ate the life of God out of my soul. I could not endure hardness: in every storm I was ready to give up my confidence. I could not love God with an undivided heart. It was my desire, to praise him without ceasing: but I could not perform it, for some hindrance was still coming in the way. The Lord often refreshed me by the way: but this did not satisfy. What I wanted was, to have my heart entirely devoted to him. But I found there remained in me a root of bitterness, a stubborn will, and a diabolical nature, capable of committing all manner of wickedness, were it not for restraining grace. Yet I had no light into the scriptures, so as to divide the word, and make a distinction between the justifying and the sanctifying promises. So I was content to be a babe, if my inward corruptions would have let me be at peace. Yea, I had in my heart an utter aversion to the doctrine of entire sanctification, and found all the enmity in me rose against those who spoke of experiencing it. One day hearing a preacher say, we could not live many hours after we were sanctified, my heart readily joined with him. But presently I was struck with those words, Without holiness no man shall see the Lord. I fain would have stifled this conviction. At least, I cared not to think of it yet. I thought, Why it is but thirteen months since I was justified. And need I think of being sanctified already? However, if ever I should be, none shall ever know it. But the light increased more and more, and my desires at the same time, till I hungred and thirsted vehemently for something, but I knew not what. One day I was constrained to come unto the Lord, and was seized with an awful sense of his Majesty. I trembled, and for some moments was as in a silent darkness. I was ready to cry, Whither am I going? For it seemed, as if he was going to strike the blow, and send me to everlasting destruction. But I found a spark of light, and cried, “Where is my Jesus? He can save to the uttermost.” Presently I cried, “Lord, come quickly!” Yet I had a dread of his coming; for it appeared, as if something strange was going to happen to me. But I said, “Lord, thou prayest for me: O pray for me, that I may now get the victory! Help now my unbelief! Renew me wholly in thy image and likeness! Give me faith, and faith’s increase, that I may be wholly saved from sin.” I then found fresh strength, and cried vehemently, “If thou hast any blessing for me, bless me now! Unworthy as I am, yet I claim, in Christ, my full redemption. I mean to take no denial. Give me all thou hast purchased. Loose me from myself, that I may lie passive in thy hand. Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean!” But I found there was a dark cloud, which still remained between God and my soul. Then I cried, “Lord, let me touch the scepter of thy righteousness. I resign my life and my all. Make me now whole, and take me to thyself.” While I thus pleaded, I was in an agony between hope and despair, till those words came as a mighty rushing wind, A clean heart I give unto thee. I received the word with gladness and in much assurance. Soon after came, Be not faithless, but believing. At these happy words every cloud was dispelled, and I saw the light which shineth to the perfect day. I found access to the holy of holies, where I now see the Trinity in Unity. The Lord shineth unto me in perfect beauty: I enjoy an inseparable union with him without intermission. The little leaven has leavened the whole lump. All my senses are now fully employed in spiritual exercise. The love of God, flaming in my heart as an unquenchable fire, has burnt up all the dross, and destroyed every plant which was not of his own planting. I find that oneness with him, being made one spirit with the Lord, which enables me to walk with him like Enoch, so that I converse with him by his Spirit, as [♦]familiarly as a man doth with his friend. I find now no want, no inward conflict, but my soul dwells in a peaceable habitation. I am enabled to walk as in the noon-day sun: my heart is fixed, and my soul is watered every moment. Yet the fear of the Lord is ever before me, lest I should grieve the Holy Spirit. I watch and guard the sacred treasure in my heart, not daring to give way to a word or thought, without finding the approbation of the Lord, by the powerful operation of his Spirit. Hereby I know and prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God. He manifests his strength in my weakness. I am but a worm; yet he delights to bless me, and has made me perfect in his love, so that nothing interrupts my joy. He enables me, not to lose a moment of time, and to live but a moment at once. My hope is full of immortality; and I find no want of spiritual food, no more than if I was in heaven already. Nothing in me opposes the will of God: in nothing can I either wish or chuse. For he hath given me to walk before him in all well-pleasing, and to sit in heavenly places with Christ Jesus. My loins are girt, my lamp burning, and my soul flourishing as the palm-tree.
[♦] “familiary” replaced with “familiarly”
4. For these ten years I have enjoyed this haven of rest. It has been to me as a day without a cloud. I never have had a tedious moment, nor a murmuring thought. I have been tempted in all things; yet nothing obscures my light, or obstructs my way; but still I rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing, and in every thing give thanks. My heart is prepared, whenever my Lord knocks, to open to him immediately. For grace has overcome death: the thoughts of death are my glory and joy. I know, that I am every moment ready to be offered, being made in Christ unrebukeable, without spot, a spiritual sacrifice, wholly devoted to God.