WHEN PAPA'S SICK
When Papa's sick, my goodness sakes!
Such awful, awful times it makes.
He speaks in, oh! such lonesome tones,
And gives such ghas'ly kind of groans,
And rolls his eyes and holds his head,
And makes Ma help him up to bed,
While Sis and Bridget run to heat
Hot-water bags to warm his feet,
And I must get the doctor quick,—
We have to jump when Papa's sick.
When Papa's sick Ma has to stand
Right 'side the bed and hold his hand,
While Sis, she has to fan an' fan,
For he says he's "a dyin' man,"
And wants the children round him to
Be there when "sufferin' Pa gets through";
He says he wants to say good-by
And kiss us all, and then he'll die;
Then moans and says his "breathin''s thick",—
It's awful sad when Papa's sick.
When Papa's sick he acts that way
Until he hears the doctor say,
"You've only got a cold, you know;
You'll be all right 'n a day or so";
And then—well, say! you ought to see—
He's different as he can be,
And growls and swears from noon to night
Just 'cause his dinner ain't cooked right;
And all he does is fuss and kick,—
We're all used up when Papa's sick.
THE BALLAD OF McCARTY'S TROMBONE
Sure, Felix McCarty he lived all alone
On the top av a hill be the town av Athione,
And the pride av his heart was a batthered trombone,
That he played in an iligant style av his own.
And often I've heard me ould grandfather say,
That, long as he lived, on Saint Patherick's Day,
the minute the dawn showed the first streak av gray
McCarty would rise and this tune he would play:
"Pertaters and fishes make very good dishes,
Saint Patherick's Day in the mornin'!"
With tootin' and blowin' he kept it a-goin',
For rest was a thing he was scornin';
And thim that were lazy could niver lie aisy,
But jumped out av bed at the warnin';
For who could be stayin' aslape with him playin'
"Saint Patherick's Day in the mornin'?"
And thin whin the b'ys would fall in fer parade,
McCarty'd be gay with his buttons and braid,
And whin he stipped out fer ter head the brigade,
Why, this was the beautiful tune that he played:
"By—Killarney's—lakes—and—fells,
Toot—tetoot toot—toot—toot—dells!"
And—the heel av—McCart—y's—boot
Marked—the time at—iv'—ry—toot,
While—the slide at—aich—bass—note
Seemed—ter slip half—down—his throat,
As—he caught his—breath—be—spells:—
"By—Killarney's—lakes—and—fells!"
Now McCarty he lived ter be wrinkled and lean,
But he died wan fine day playin' "Wearin' the green,"
And they sould the ould horn to a British spalpeen,
And it bu'st whin he tried ter blow "God save the Queen";
But the nights av Saint Patherick's Days in Athlone
Folks dare not go by the ould graveyard alone,
For they say that McCarty sits on his tombstone
And plays this sad tune on a phantom trombone:
"The harp that wance through Tara's halls
The sowl av music shed,
Now hangs as mute on Tara's walls
As if that sowl were dead."
And all who've heard the lonesome keens That that grim ghost has blown,
Know well by Tara's harp he means
That batthered ould trombone.
SUSAN VAN DOOZEN
I'll write, for I'm witty, a popular ditty,
To bring to me shekels and fame,
And the only right way one may write one to-day
Is to give it some Irish girl's name.
There's "Rosy O'Grady," that dear "steady lady,"
And sweet "Annie Rooney" and such,
But mine shall be nearly original, really,
For Susan Van Doozen is Dutch.
O Susan Van Doozen! the girl of my choos'n', You stick in my bosom like glue;
While this you're perusin', remember I'm mus'n', Sweet Susan Van Doozen, on you.
So don't be refus'n' my offer, and bruis'n' A heart that is willing to woo;
And please be excus'n', not cold and refus'n',—
O Susan Van Doozen, please do!
Now through it I'll scatter—a quite easy matter—
Some lines that we all of us know,
How "The neighbors all cry as she passes them by,
'There's Susan, the pride of the row!'"
And something like "daisy" and "setting me crazy,"
—These lines the dear public would miss—
Then chuck a "sweetheart" in, and "never to part" in,
And end with a chorus like this:
O Susan Van Doozen! before I'd be los'n'
One glance from your eyes of sky-blue,
I vow I'd quit us'n' tobacco and booz'n',
(That word is not nice, it is true).
I wear out my shoes, 'n' I'm los'n' my roos'n' My reason, I should say, dear Sue,—
So please change your views 'n' become my own Susan,
O Susan Van Doozen, please do!