Josh Billings on Cats.—See page [40].
JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS.
I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry. It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very fond ov cats, for the reason i suppose that cats never marry if tha hav ever so good a chanse. Thare iz one thing about cats i dont like, if yu step on their tales by acksident tha git mad rite oph, and make a grate fuss about it. Thare iz anuther thing about them which makes them a good investment for poor folks. A pair ov cats will yield each year, without any outlay, something like eight hundred per cat. It iz a verry singular fack that cats dont like a mill-pond, i never knu one tew git drowned bi acksident. Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be agin their religgun tew tutch soap. Cats and dogs have never bin able tew agree on the main question, tha both seem tew want the affirmatiff side to onst. I think if i could hav mi way thare wouldn't be enny more cats born unless tha could sho a certifikate ov good moral karakter. Thare is one more thing about cats which seems tew me tew be awl affektashun, and that iz making sich a devlish noise under a fellers window nights, and then kall it musik. If i waz tew hav mi choise between a cat and a striped snake, i would take the snake bekause I could git rid ov the snake bi letting him go. Thare aint no sartin wa tew kill a cat, if yu git one wurked up into sassage, and yu think yu are awl right, jist az likely az not tha will cum to and take off a whole lot of good sassage with them.—Theze are mi views about cats, rather hastily hove together, and if i haint said enuff agin them it iz onla bekause i lack the informashun.
REMARKS.
Impudense iz the affek ov tew little knollege, and modesta, iz az often the affek ov tew mutch.
We dont question a persons rite tew be a fule, but if he klaims wisdom, we kompare it with our own.
Not one man in a thousand iz known while living, yet awl expeck tew be well remembered, when tha are ded.
Men are very often ashamed tu tell the truth, bekause tha dont kno how.
Moste ov the advise we reseave from others, iz not so mutch an evidense ov their affeckshun for us, az it iz an evidense ov their affeckshun for themselves.
Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life, yet we all waste more time than we uze.
Aboutaz good a wa az enny tew be happee, iz tew pity thoze who are below us, and forgit that there iz enny boddy above us.
Wit iz a pleasant surprize ov Truth.
No man haz a rite tu be proud till he bekums entirely vartuous, and then he wont feel like being proud.
The power ov oratory lays more in the manner, than in the matter; yu kant reduse it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov lightning on a hand organ.
Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold ov, jist so sum folks will du when tha argy.
Epitaff—here lies John Ferguson, Esq., died wurth half a million—less the kingdom ov heaven.
Avaris eats up all the good things in a man, and then feeds on his vices.