Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.
They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow—still i hain't never figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.
A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he made this last statement.)
In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.
But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by constant vaccination. * * * *
BEER.
I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that lager beer iz not intoxikatin.
I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.
I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.
Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.