THE BUZZERS.
Ov awl the insekts or even animals, who occupy two legs and breathe the same kind ov air, and drink the same kind ov water that other folks do, thare is not a more distressingly bizzy and uncomfortably obnoxious one, than yure whisperer.
I mean now those men or those wimmin whose position in the world gives them the title tew be listened to, and even beleaved, who spend their lives like a bumbel bee on the wing, from flower to flower, and from thistle to thistle, buzzing and whispering.
These kind ov bumbel beeze deal only in sekrets ov the most delikate or dreadful kind, which they entrust to you with awl the importance and aimable reserve that distinguishes the intimate frend.
Thare is nothing in the world that would give them more pain or confusion (if you can beleave them) than to have their buzzes repeated, and yet, in truth, nothing would giv them more mortifikation if they were not.
They sow their seed as the husbandman duz his expekting it tew sprout, and rejoice as he duz in a good crop.
I know not from what ambishun this buzzing springs, unless it is the vanity ov knowledge, or the skarcity ov news; but one thing is certain, that no more inveterate workers kan be found—they are emphatikally the early birds who find the worm; they are the bizzy bees ov thrift, and they are your provident pissmires who alwus have corn in their cells against the calamity ov a wet day. Evry citty has a thousand ov them, evry village a score, and evry naborhood its Aunt Dority, or its Unkle Darby, who whisper and buzz from Christmas to Christmas agin. These insekts know evry marriage that is on the ways, and just when it is tew be launched; they know awl the slips and the slipshods within a circle of twenty leagues or more; they guess at outrages and divine bankrupcys; they hear ov elopements in the breath ov the morning, and see the spektral shaddow ov a domestik brawl stealing on tiptoze amid the gray ov the evening; they know the crimes ov evrybodys grandfather, and remember, just like a book, the time when the wife ov esquire Baker was no better than she should be. I don't know as there is truth enuff in the world just now to do the bizness with; if there aint, the buzzers may be in a measure necessary as a circulating medium; but if this is really so, they stand in the same relation to an honest circulation that other counterfit munny dus.
I hav searched the musty annals ov primogeniture, and hav dove down deep into the labarynths of succession, to trace the literal descent ov these slander-breeding and birth-giving scorpions, and found that about four thousand years ago, Envy begot Malice, Malice begot Revenge, and Revenge had twins—one was a common thief and the other was a buzzer.
Nature seems, in the production of Buzzers, to hav transgressed one ov her most aimable laws: I mean, the grate parsimony she generally shows in inflikting humanity with venemous reptiles.
Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary, who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin tew spread.