LXXVI.
JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS.
Dear Joe—Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espeshily when invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you.
By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand shivvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood shivvering on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago. Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy. Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are like the feathers on a blue-jay—pick oph the feathers, and thare aint nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth, and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl gone.
Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any tail.
Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon.
But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be rousted up tew often.
Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected.
I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land.
Jeremiah.—Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and shook up by the wind and the storm.