On the 27th of May I took my first dose of thirty grains of iodide of potassium and spent the rest of the day washing it down with glasses of chlorine water masked with lemon. I was still the complete invalid, going rapidly downhill; on a water bed, spoon-fed, and reluctantly docile in Benham’s hard, yet capable hands. On the 27th of June I was walking about the house. By the 27th of July I had put on seventeen pounds in weight and had no longer any doubt of the result. I had found the dosage at first both nauseous and nauseating. Now I drank it off as if it had been champagne. Hope effervesced in every glass. The desire to work came back, but without the old irritability. Ella, before she left, said I was more like myself than I had been for years. Dr. Kennedy had unearthed this new treatment and she extolled him, notwithstanding her old prejudices, admitted it was to him we owed my restoration, yet never ceased to rally me and comment on the power of love. I agreed with her in that, knowing hers had saved me even before the drug began to act. It was for her hand I had groped in the darkest hour of all. Even now I remember her passionate avowal that she would not let me die, my more weakly passionate response that I could not leave her lonely in the world. Now we said rude things to each other, as sisters will, with an intense sense of happiness and absence of emotion. I criticised Tommy’s handwriting, and she retorted that at least she saw it regularly. Whilst as for Dennis....
But there was no agony there now to be assuaged. My boy was on his way home and the words he had written, the cable that he had sent when he heard of my illness, lay near my heart, too sacred to show her. I let her think I had not heard from him. Closer even than a sister lies the tie between son and mother. Not perhaps between her and her rough Tommy, her fair Violet, but between me and my Dennis, my wild erratic genius, who could nevertheless pen me those words ... who could send me the sweetest love letter that has ever been written.
But this has nothing to do with me and Dr. Peter Kennedy, and the curious position between us. For a long time after I began to get well it seemed we were like two wary wrestlers, watching for a hold. Only that sometimes he seemed to drop all reserves, to make an extraordinary rapprochement. I might flush, call myself a fool, remember my age, but at these times it would really appear as if Ella had some reason in her madness, as if he had some personal interest in me. At these times I found him nervous, excitable, utterly unlike his professional self. As for me I had to preserve my equanimity, ignore or rebuff without disturbing my equilibrium. I was fully employed in nursing my new-found strength, swallowing perpetually milk and eggs, lying for hours on an invalid carriage amid the fading gorse, reconstructing, rebuilding, making vows. I had been granted a respite, if not a reprieve, and had to prove my worthiness. The desire for work grew irresistible. When I asked for leave he combated me, combated me strenuously.
“You are not strong enough, not nearly strong enough. You have built up no reserve. You must put on another stone at least before you can consider yourself out of the wood.”
“I won’t begin anything new, but that story, the story I wrote in water....” I watched him when I said this. I saw his colour rise and his lips tremble.
“Oh, yes. I had forgotten about that.” But I saw he had not forgotten. “You never saw your midnight visitor again?”—he asked me with an attempt at carelessness—“Margaret Capel. Do you remember, in the early days of your illness how often you spoke of her, how she haunted you?” He spoke lightly, but there was anxiety in his voice, and Fear ... was it Fear I saw in his eyes, or indecision? “Since you have begun to get better you have never mentioned her name. You were going to write her life ...” he went on.
“And death,” I answered to see what he would say. We were feinting now, getting closer.
“You know she died of heart disease,” he asked quickly. “There was an inquest....”
“I saw her die,” I answered, not very coolly or conclusively. His face was very strange and haggard, and I felt sorry for him.
“How strange and vivid dreams can be. Morphia dreams especially,” he replied, rather questioningly than assertively.