And then the "old nick" was to pay,
"Truth indeed is stranger than fiction,"
His prayers were so tedious and long,
People slept, till the benediction.
And then came another, on trial,
Who actually preached in his gloves,
His manner so awkward and queer,
That we settled him off and he moved.
And then came another so meek,
That his name really ought to 've been Moses;
We almost considered him settled,
When lo! the secret discloses,
He'd attacks of nervous disease,
That unfit him for every-day duty;
His sermons, oh, never can please,
They lack both in force and beauty.
Now, "wanted, a minister," really,
That won't preach his old sermons over,
That will make short prayers while in church,
With no fault that the ear can discover,
That is very forbearing, yes very,
That blesses wherever he moves—
Not too zealous, nor lacking for zeal,
That preaches without any gloves!
Now, "wanted, a minister," really,
"That was born ere nerves came in fashion,"
That never complains of the "headache,"
That never is roused to a passion.
He must add to the wisdom of Solomon
The unwearied patience of Job,
Must be mute in political matters,
Or doff his clerical robe.
If he pray for the present Congress,
He must speak in an undertone;
If he pray for President Johnson,
He needs 'em, why let him go on.
He must touch upon doctrines so lightly,
That no one can take an offence,
Mustn't meddle with predestination—
In short, must preach "common sense."
Now really wanted a minister,
With religion enough to sustain him,
For the salary's exceedingly small,
And faith alone must maintain him.
He must visit the sick and afflicted,
Must mourn with those that mourn,
Must preach the "funeral sermons"
With a very peculiar turn.
He must preach at the north-west school-house
On every Thursday eve,
And things too numerous to mention
He must do, and must believe.
He must be of careful demeanor,
Both graceful and eloquent too,
Must adjust his cravat "a la mode,"
Wear his beaver, decidedly, so.
Now if some one will deign to be shepherd
To this "our peculiar people,"
Will be first to subscribe for a bell,
And help us to right up the steeple,
If correct in doctrinal points
(We've a committee of investigation),
If possessed of these requisite graces,
We'll accept him perhaps on probation.
Then if two-thirds of the church can agree,
We'll settle him here for life;
Now, we advertise, "Wanted, a Minister,"
And not a minister's wife.