Had to peel a reg'lar pile of taters, twice as many as they ought to want. "There," I ses to our company cook, "'ow's that?" "Why, you've bin an' wasted nigh on 'arf of 'em," 'e ses. "An' then yer tent will be hollerin' out as I cheats 'em. I know 'em," 'e ses. An' sure enough they did, only it were the gravy as they didn't like this time. I shall be bloomin' glad when I'm a Sergint, an' 'as a mess to ourselves. 'Ad narrow shave of being late for p'rade. You aint got no time to spare when you're Orderly.
Thought nothing would satisfy our off'cers to-day. We was trying all sorts of things like they does 'em at the war, an' we was fairly sick of it, but the Colonel 'e rides by an' sings out as we was the best company 'e'd seen that morning, so that was all right, an' we didn't mind being shoved about.
Wednesday.—We was practised in advanced guard the first thing this morning, all the companies working separate. After a bit, I'm blowed if yer could tell what any of 'em was at, they was so mixed up. Afore we starts, our Captain 'e explains to us what we was supposed to do; 'e may 'ave understood what 'e was drivin' at, but I'm blest if any of us did. 'Owever, after a bit I begins to see what we was meant to be doin', an' bimeby the Captain 'e tells me to take two men as a patrol to examine a wood as was near by. D'rectly we was out of sight one of 'em starts playin' the goat, till I gives 'im a shove in the back wi' the butt just to remind 'im as I was in command. The Major come along jist then an' asks me what we was? I tells 'im as we were a patrol, an' 'e tells me the proper way to do it, an' what to report to the Captain.
After breakfast we was out again doin' outposts. Wish they wouldn't 'ave so much make believe about it. Supposin' now they puts yer in a group as sentries. "The henemy," they ses, "is somewhere over there, an' you've to watch that bit o' country in front of you; the countersign's 'Bunkum,' an' you've to keep under cover." Well, there aint no henemy, an' nothin' aint goin' to 'appen, an' yer wouldn't know wot to do if it did, so you just lies down an' smokes till the "assembly" goes, an' then you comes back. It may teach officers something, but it don't teach us much.
As we was out for the day only 'ad a sort o' bread an' water picnic instead of dinner, which we 'as when we gets back to camp. We was put through what they calls an attack drill after, but I didn't think much of it; started off with about twenty yards between you an' the next man, an' then as we advanced, they comes crowdin' up from be'ind till the firin' line were like a bloomin' football scrimmage, with about four different Battalions all atop o' one another, an' loosin' off right an' left whether they was in front or be'ind. "'Ere," I ses to Ted Parminter, "this aint no place for us, it's too bloomin' dangerous. I'm going to be a casualty." An' we drops be'ind. "Wot bally rot!" I 'eard one off'cer say, an' I quite agreed with 'im.
Thursday.—Everyone 'ad to clean the bloomin' camp twice over to-day, as we was to be inspected. I niver seen such a place for getting dirty; you brushes yerself down an' blacks yer boots an' polishes up yer rifle, an' in ten minutes you are that covered in dust as you look as if you 'adn't washed for a week.
Got sent out with a patrol again. Saw a General ridin' along our way, so we got be'ind an 'edge till 'e'd gone by. Just after we got back to the picket another General comes along an' asks all sorts of questions, an' didn't seem to think much of the answers 'e got. We was all 'oping it were over for the day, when along comes a whole lot o' Generals all together, and one of 'em calls out to us to fall in. We gets up an' begins dusting ourselves down a bit, when 'e yells at us for not being in our places at once, an' goes for us 'ot an' strong; then 'e starts asking questions as made me shiver. All of a sudden 'e ses: "Who was in charge of the last patrol as went out?" The Captain calls me up, and the General ses, "Where did you go?" I tells 'im I went as far as the wood. "See anything of the enemy?" 'e ses. "There weren't none there," I ses. "How do you know?" ses 'e; "you ar'n't allowed to enter the woods about here." "Well, Sir," I ses, "we didn't go in, but there's only two places where anybody could get in without doing damage, and there weren't no footmarks there." "What forage can I get down there?" 'e ses. "There's about three ton o' bad 'ay, Sir, at one of the cottages, but it aint worth 'aulin'," I ses, an' 'e tells me to fall back in the ranks, which I was precious glad to do. Our Captain said, when they was gone, as 'ow I'd answered very well, an' 'ow I ought to go for a stripe. I said as I should like to.
Paraded in the afternoon for the reg'lar inspection; was kept out in the burnin' sun standing still for about two hours while another General walked round an' looked at our buttons an' boots, an' found fault with every blessed thing. They seems to think yer kit is made to look at, not to use. As I ses to Ted in the canteen after, "We comes to camp for trainin', an' this 'ere's nothing but wastin' time, as could be done at 'ome anywhere."