19th June, 1799.—On this day my mother left me. During her stay I disclosed an event that has incessantly occupied my mind for now 3 years. I restored to her father my little daughter Harriet,[307] who I had concealed, pretending her dead.
When I left Florence in ’96 my situation was such that a final separation with Sir G. W. was inevitable as soon as I returned to England. The certainty of losing all my children was agonising, and I resolved to keep one in my possession, and I chose that one who, from her age and sex, required the tenderness of a mother. Besides, I was undetermined whether I could bring myself to incur the éclat and anxiety that would arise from my publicly avowing my situation, and among the visionary schemes that passed in my mind there was one I dwelt upon during my dejection with a sort of pleasure. It was to retire and bury myself in some remote corner; what, then, would have been the comfort of possessing such a little partner in my solitude? In short, necessity has compelled me to give her up. Here I will not disguise a feeling, whatever tournure for worldly effect I may give the proceeding—nothing but the dread of discovery and involving Ld. H. in a difficulty on her and my account could have induced me voluntarily to relinquish all the schemes of happiness I had promised myself in educating and possessing her. In short, my mother avowed the whole transaction to Sir G. W., who immediately recollected and acknowledged her; he behaved extremely well. I have dwelt so long upon the subject since I have determined upon the avowal that my mind is wearied, and I shall reserve further details. She was here with my mother for two days, is now gone with her and Henry, and is without exception by far the most lovely I ever beheld. She has all the beauties I had when I was very pretty, and fewer blemishes. Her complexion is fine; she has dimples, fine hair, and thick eyelashes, open chest, flat back.
20th June.—The last week we had company. On Friday the Ladies Fitzpatrick[308] dined here, Lds. Morpeth, Boringdon, Adderley, Tierney, Amherst, and some others. Ld. Plymouth died: a great release to his wife, who will be rewarded by marrying Amherst within the year. His constancy is unparalleled. On Saturday alone; went quietly to the Opera. Sunday, the event took place, and there was a sort of scene at dinner: Smith, Miss Fox, Sydney Smith, Add., Wm. Lamb, Lewis.
LORD HOLLAND’S SPEECH
Ld. Holland’s speech upon the Russian subsidy was reckoned excellent.[309] Ld. Grenville said it was the best he ever made, and one or two traced a resemblance to his uncle’s manner. There is no doubt that if he were to apply himself to a regular attendance in the H. of Lords, he would distinguish himself as a first-rate speaker. His power of mind is fully equal to excellence, but he is indolent, and wants method in his arrangement; arguments crowd upon him whilst speaking, and an overstock of matter makes him confused. On the 19th, Sr. Lionel, Mr. Add., Murray, and Mr. Dumont dined with me. Ld. H. dined with Mr. Wm. Smith. Yesterday (21st), Drew and I alone; Lord H., House of Lords. About 8 Tierney came from the H. of Commons (with Mr. Add.) after having made an excellent speech upon the state of the finances of the country; it was so good that Pitt deferred replying till Friday next, and ordered his statements to be printed. Canning is desirous of bringing Add. into Parliament as a Treasury member, and is now urging him to accept a seat for 1200l., to which he will be recommended as a Ministerial man; the price is rather lower than the common market traffic, but Add. judges the thing well, and is disinclined to come in with a pledge of always voting their way. He is not decided yet. A good post in India has not corrupted him; he is young enough in politics to think he may long continue open to conviction. The feeling is honest, but not durable. Canning will be glad to attach him to himself, for tho’ he is the great decrier of party, yet imperceptibly he is forming one of his own, Ellis’, Freres,[310] Sturges, Microcosm Smith,[311] Leveson, and one or two more, most of whom he has brought in himself.
Ld. Wycombe asked Tierney, ‘If he had heard the romance of our friend at H. House.’ The story is very much talked of, but as it is sure to be misrepresented, I had rather hear nothing of the fables engrafted on it. I only feel I have renounced a darling child, and my heart aches afresh when I think of the separation. She is so captivating. With her I feel amused, with my others I feel gratified at seeing them healthy and intelligent, but her winning manners convert the duty of maternal attention into a positive enjoyment. I delight in being with her, and think her society sufficient. Would to God I were allowed to bring her up! To-day Ld. Digby and Ly. Bessbro’ dined. We went into the garden after; stayed late. Adderley came to pass the evening and sleep. He ought for his own comfort to go to Ireland—at least, away, as he looks ill and is unhappy. I have been to blame. I delay from awkwardness, and not knowing how to check the inclination. I myself was checked from the dread of appearing to consider the matter in serious light, and it has become more so to him than I could have suspected. When not here he shuts himself up alone at home, and reflects upon the foolishness of his own feelings, for foolish and hopeless must any love to me be, circumstanced as I am, loving and being beloved by the most delightful of men. I fear in my conduct I may be accused of trifling with his feelings, but I solemnly protest I had no such wish.
GENERAL FITZPATRICK
23rd June.—On Saturday Mr. Adderley took leave of us, previous to his departure for Ireland. I was really touched at saying adieu. We came afterwards to this place—Sunning Hill, a charming little spot in Windsor Forest, which belongs to General Fitzpatrick; we remain till to-morrow. Yesterday (Sunday) Ld. H. and ye General went to St. Anne’s; Drew and myself stayed here reading and talking. Little Charles[312] is come. This is the first excursion he ever made out of his nursery; he is very tractable and happy.
To the tranquillity of this pretty retreat we owe many of those correct and beautiful verses which the General has written. It is much to be lamented that there is no collection made, as in point of wit and real taste they are unequalled. His epigrams are excellent; the one upon Ld. Carlisle’s subscribing 4000l. to the voluntary subscription[313] just after he had distributed a political pamphlet for sixpence is truly witty:—
My Lord subscribes four thousand pounds