It takes ideal people to form an ideal friendship; therefore there are not many such friendships. Erring human beings that we are, we carry our frailties into every relation of life. “I am of opinion,” says Cicero, “that except among the virtuous, friendship cannot exist.” Have you a real friend? While it is true that the friendship between you may not be an ideal one, it is also true that through it you and your friend are both having a rare opportunity to grow toward your ideal and in this way to make your friendship perfect. Would you rid yourself of egregious faults? There are two instead of one to grapple with each fault. Would you march on to the attainment of more splendid virtues? There are two instead of one to struggle and to win the victory.
How to make friends perhaps no one can tell you, since friends are born, not made. We choose our pleasures, our books, our occupations, but we do not choose our friends. We only discover them. The formation of a friendship is an unconscious process and must be so. There can be nothing deliberate and premeditated about it. Why is it that one sees the best in you and another the worst? Why does one understand before you speak while another cannot understand even after you explain? If we could answer these questions we should be able to reduce friendship to a mathematical formula, which no one wishes to do. The mystery of it is one of its charms. One can only say as did Montaigne about his friend, “If a man should importune me to give a reason why I loved him I can only answer, because it was he, because it was I.” Some people attract us by a certain intuition of character. If the intuition be true and if there be adaptability and community of interests, a foundation exists for a close and enduring friendship.
The basis for friendship is personality. You have nothing to give your friend but yourself. You should, therefore, make heavy demands upon yourself. Can you offer your friend anything less than a constantly enriching life? Good intentions are not enough; there must be performance. You have probably asked yourself many times whether you deserve this high friendship. Perhaps you do not. Then resolve that you sometime will deserve it. You are interesting to your friend now. What can you do that you may be more so to-morrow?
Those who lack the power of making friends—and there are unfortunately many such—have one of two failings, or both. Often they are not sincere. The insincere person cannot be a true friend and may not have a true friend. We demand that our friends shall “ring true.” A much more common fault than insincerity is selfishness. One may be not positively and actively selfish but self-centered. The self-centered person does not know how to enter sympathetically into the feelings of others. Such persons should earnestly strive to share the joys and sorrows of those about them and to make the experiences of others their own. Sometimes we say of a person, “He has a genius for making friends.” Such persons have in an eminent degree the capacity for carrying close to their hearts the interests of others. Remember that unless you really care about the concerns and the welfare of others, there is no possible way to make them believe you do.
It is worth while to cultivate the art of making friends, or, rather, it is worth while to put forth every effort to make one’s self worthy of having friends. He who said that a friend “doubles our joys and halves our sorrows” might have expressed it even more strongly. The author of the Book of Ecclesiastes understood this when he wrote, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him.”
You owe your friend, first of all, integrity of character and sincerity in all your dealings. With your friend you can be yourself, your real self. Any pretense, any deceit, any concealment of vital things will create a barrier that nothing can ever break down. You may or you may not admit your friend to the inmost recesses of your heart, but so far as you do admit her, there must be straightforward honesty. Integrity includes not only our dealings with our friends, it affects all our relations with others. The oft-quoted couplet from Lovelace expresses a truth which it behooves every one to take to heart who would be or would have a friend:—
“I could not love thee, dear, so much
Loved I not honour more.”
No real friendship can exist without loyalty on both sides. It is the place of a friend to look after the interests of her friend as if they were her own. Much inspiration may be gained from studying the great friendships of history, such as that of David and Jonathan, of Ruth and Naomi, or of Tennyson and Hallam. Does your friendship in comparison with any one of these seem insignificant, even puerile? Then use the greatest friendship of which you know as a touchstone by which to test your own. For a real friend to speak an unkind word about an absent friend is unthinkable. To envy her, or to desire precedence over her in any way, is proof that your love for her is not real, but only assumed. How far should loyalty go? We all remember the answer of Christ when asked, “How often should I forgive my brother, until seven times?” His answer, until “seventy times seven,” means, as we all know, that there should be no limit to one’s forgiveness. In the same way, there should be no limit to your loyalty to your friend. It should be bounded only by her need and your power.
Of course, there should be community of interests and mutual trust and self-revelation. You have friends whom you admit only to the outer citadel of your heart. Some are “good company” and you love to share your pleasures with them, but in your serious moments you turn away from them. Others share your work, or some special interest in your life. But with your real friend you share the deepest things of your existence. She understands you in your highest moments, she respects your ideals and shares them, she comprehends the fundamental purpose of your life. Only friends who can share each other’s best selves know the highest friendship.