In addition to hurried prose and diary entries, I also began pinning down my feelings in the form of poetry. Within the poems I could lament my confusion and aloneness, and the self-dependency which had become threatened by my offering of friendship and its subsequent futility.
Love Rollercoaster
Days robed in silence…depressed for awhile,
Then turn around with a flash of a smile.
Happy, contented, with work and with play,
Don't get excited, it's only one day!
Tapping my shoulder, "HI, there!" he said,
One hour later, I wish I was dead!
So much confusion, so little I know,
Oh! To run and hide…to get up and go!
Age seventeen and still the same goal.
Filling my mind, my body, my soul.
My love is something I just can't ignore,
But I'm so tired…Can I take any more?
Depression sets in like a cold, dark stare,
And spurs my asking "Why do I care?"
That question comes again and again…
Face it kid…this is the battle that you'll never win!
Lauren Isaacson
Spring of 1979
Love's Confusion
Words…
Interpreted, exaggerated…
Glances…
Real and imagined…
Actions performed to hurt,
To confuse, to make happier
Some stranger's day.
I am that stranger,
Jack of many trades.
A translator,
Psychologist,
Handyman, all in one.
Like a stranger,
I am trying to know you.
Like a translator,
I am trying to understand.
Lauren Isaacson
Spring of 1979
A Heart Untaken
I gave my heart away,
That's not easy,
No, not at all.
I am…dependent…
On none other than myself.
So why then, am I
Still falling head-first
Into a bottomless cavern?
Yes, I gave my heart away.
But it was left untaken,
Blowing in the wind.
How can I describe
The way I feel?
There are no words
To relate the emptiness
And darkness
Which has prevailed
Upon my soul…
My entire being.
I need to be reconstructed,
Rejuvenated…accepted
By those I love.
Is that asking too much?
How is one expected to live
If no one will accept his love?
He cannot live…
Merely exist.
Lauren Isaacson
Spring 1979