Jan.—Feb. 1981… I am a loner, used to spending time alone …
I dislike a lot of contact…
….I am a listener, although not always by choice…
….I think a lot… contemplate life (and) death. Is there such a thing as thinking too much?
. . .I know myself through observations and experiences and my writing.
Writing is sometimes the only means through which I can express myself, for I found that, being a listener, I usually help people more than they do me. I perhaps begin, but more often than not, I fail to say what I set out to say. I wonder if this makes good relationships…all ear and no mouth. (But) I feel better giving than receiving.
…One must be receptive, or the relationship cannot last.
…The amount one discloses about (him) self is oftentimes parallel to the amount of attention given (to him) by the partner. If one listens with the intensity of a brick wall, it naturally follows that the other will be less likely to express feelings in other situations…he feels shut out.
…He is the chief voice in the relationship. (He) says he will listen to me, but unless I talk in an unending flow until I'm finished, he breaks in with a response and continues to elaborate upon it until I have virtually forgotten my thoughts. I have found short, powerful phrases the only means to convey my beliefs at times…or reading my personal essays and poems to him. Sometimes I feel small . . . I am unable to make myself heard.
Feb. 1981… Although a relationship is composed of a great deal of sharing and companionship, the need for privacy must be respected. Each individual needs to maintain a firmly established sense of identity to fully give of that self. Grow side by side and learn from each other…two vines cannot grow on one tree lest they strangle their support and eventually, each other.
…I find it most exciting to discover someone and watch him grow in his understanding of life. I could not live with myself if I felt I was purposely attempting to mold another individual to fit my perception of the "ideal mate." I once told (my boyfriend) that I would rather break up with him than change him, for propensities which I found disturbing would be virtually non-existent to someone else. He has as much of a right to live and love in his own way as I have.