Riding along the hallway, I also perceived a difference in myself. I was in the spot-light, the main attraction in a frightening event. . . and yet I was not worried. A relaxant had siphoned off my excess nervousness and the remaining anxiety drained away because my waiting was over.
In a partial dream-state, I watched as blue frocked workers rushed about, preparing for my operation until I was wheeled into surgery. There, bright round lights shone overhead and doctors and nurses craned their necks to see their next patient.
"You're going to feel a stick," the nurse warned.
I watched as the doctor placed the needle in my vein. For the first time I was aware of my surroundings up to the moment I received anesthesia, and it was truly an enjoyable experience. The relaxant had full control of me, and a loaded gun would not have evoked duress. I looked at the kind and gentle nurse and began to drift away, little by little, until reality faded and then plunged into a sea of darkness.
I woke up in a ward which housed three elderly women. My bed was crammed in a corner of the room with a curtain serving as the only form of privacy; from my vantage point, I was able to view an extensive portion of the hospital roof through the window.
The first person I saw was my father who appeared to be stricken with concern for my condition. Immediately I asked, "what is it?" to which I was given a sober reply of "It's cancer again." I was quiet for a moment, and then thought dryly, "It figures."
Reactions to drastic news are manifold and multicolored. To say there is a specific process through which each grief-stricken individual shall pass parallels the statement that all people look alike. I cannot regard emotional turbulence with simplicity, for each individual possesses different levels of consciousness, or awareness, which likewise renders his ability to cope with a given situation as singular as his character itself. Though one individual's coping strategies may closely resemble those of another, they still are unique.
To avoid categorizing I will remark upon some of the various reactions I have encountered, including those in myself, family, and friends as "possible reactions" rather than referring to them as "steps" and thereby applying on them a more definitive and absolute quality. While it is possible for people to experience each "possible reaction," not everyone shall.
If I was asked to name a frame of mind in which one can best cope with adversity, I would unhesitatingly say, "acceptance," for it is the most pleasant manner of greeting and harboring a potentially grim reality.
Attaining acceptance gives one the ability to objectively view the hardship and cope, in a very real sense, with the final outcome; this means there is no longer a fight for life, but an enjoyment of it. There are no more bouts of pervasive anger, fear, or depression; when these emotions do occur, they rapidly pass as do the tides of emotion in the healthiest of people. The problem is seen and understood in realistic terms, rather than as a boogy-man in the night contesting for one's life. There are no more superstitious pleas for help, and while hope is maintained, no more does one cling to blind hope.