When a situation such as the one described occurs, I wonder whether the patient truly loves his "subjects"; a caring individual would still want his family to derive joy from living despite his inability to actively take part. Jealousy has no place in love, especially when a loving relationship is placed in jeopardy by the imminence of death. A patient's jealousy can often promote guilt; ultimately, however, it begets only resentment, not true love and devotion.
My father was acquainted with a man whose wife was a constant source of worry. She was what I would call "the delicate type," in need of constant attention and sympathy whether she truly needed it or not. The day finally came when she found herself bedridden, demonstrating the symptoms of an actual health disorder, and her personality took on the shrieking demeanor of an angry bird. She expected constant nurturing care from her husband, yet nothing he did would please her. After hounding him relentlessly to pick up an item at the store, she would be enraged because of his "lengthy" absence.
Eventually the poor man agreed to place his wife in a rest home in her home town. However, through her injection of guilt, he still felt obliged to maintain a daily vigil by her side. The man became emotionally and physically exhausted, and suffered to such an extent that his sanity was nearly obliterated; in tearful, emotional outbursts he would relate the "sad" condition of his wife, and elaborate in detail their conversations and prayers, never thinking that her's was a very disturbed mind. Bereft of any other communicational outlet or friendships, he accepted the blame for his wife's unhappiness. In effect, he was starving for conversation and emotional support, causing an irrational view of reality.
Although, toward the last portion of her life, the wife was mentally incompetent concerning her nasty behavior, she would have been capable of changing her actions earlier in life, yet, through a jealous and self-centered need, she obtained a constant awareness of her presence by lamenting any flaw in her well being. The husband may have enjoyed the initial pampering as a means of elevating his feeling of self-worth; here was a woman who needed him. However, as any excess can be overwhelming, her preoccupation for comfort was his final undoing. Had she thought less of herself and allowed him the freedom to breathe, the obsessive guilt she strove to plant would never have taken root in his mind.
It is essential that the patient allows his family to continue in a "normal" fashion, for it must be accepted that there will be a time when life must carry on without the sick individual. This is not to say that a husband should start to seek another mate before his wife meets her demise; behavior of this nature is cruel and, I believe, says that his wife was not loved but only needed for the beneficial comforts she could provide. However, continuing attendance in a church, or meeting with friends should in no way be thought of as frivolous or forgetful of the sick, but rather as a form of therapy for the living.
I wanted my family to continue its current lifestyle, and for the most part, that was no problem. However, Mom continued to feel guilty about her health and ability to do anything she desired while her young daughter was forced to stay home.
As my cancer progressed and I did less in the social realm, spending week-end nights at home, my mother became concerned about leaving me alone when they went on a small excursion or nighttime gatherings; she worried that I might be lonesome or scared, or need help of some kind. It was somewhat of a chore to assure her that I would be fine; should I be scared or lonesome, it would pass, and with regard to my health, she would be powerless to aid in my comfort even if she was at home. As a final effort I confessed that I truly enjoyed being alone sometimes. I too needed room to breathe, to feel that, even with my severe limitations, I was yet in control of my life. It was important that I knew I could take care of myself if the need would arise.
Guilt may derive from actual wrong-doing on the part of the guilt-ridden as well as the causes described above. Whether spurred from emotional neglect, mental abuse, infidelity, or another source, this guilt is the only type which I feel is worthy of its keeper. When an individual knowingly hurts another, yet makes no attempt to correct himself, the former deserves to feel the grasp of pain. No apology, no matter how magnificent, can take the place of past injustice. Therefore, while the past is history, perhaps these regrets can best be handled by a silent oath to behave differently on future occasions.
The refusal of friends to face my health situation always brought about a keen sense of frustration on my behalf, modified to a certain extent by pity. It is impossible to attain any depth in such relationships, since continual avoidance of reality cannot be upheld.
One such relationship, in which a friend would not acknowledge the presence of my illness, was eventually transformed into a virtual charade. Conversations revolved solely around trivial matters or reminiscent revelries. Discussions of the present surrounded her doings only, for the least hint of my illness would leave the conversation stunted. Because I never cared to dwell on my ill health, any remark was of the passing sort, yet even these seemed too much for her to abide. It was as if the pre-cancerous person was the only "me" which existed for her; my entire self was no longer acceptable. As no change occurred, our rendezvous became less and less frequent, and eventually subsided altogether. I felt uncomfortable having to hide behind a mask of my former health for my company to be tolerable; it was better to be alone. Friendship must be built upon honesty if its true potential is to be realized.