Aug. 25, 1985… It's strange, but when Mom and Dad are gone all day, like yesterday, I feel half mad when they return. The truth is that I'm not mad, I'm only in need of some conversation. I need to tell someone about my concerns, or at least have someone around. I do want them to go out; they need to get away. I had the runs; I'm rather amazed also, by my ever-growing shape. . . it's hideous! And I have tons of water retention. Oh, well! It wasn't my best day; I wrote all day, anyway.
Sept. 11,1985… The Chevette has been sold. I should get a refund on my insurance, too. The girl came with her boyfriend to pick up "her" car last night. Dad took a personal check for it; I wish he would have said "NO" to it, but they are probably OK. If not, I just sold my car for $100. (Great)
I couldn't sleep for a while, because I was worried about the check. So… I got up and clipped my toe nails! (What therapy.) (And it didn't cost a cent.)
Today it is 70 degrees, sunny, a slight breeze, ah! I also have the check in my account. Dad phoned to see how much of a refund I'd receive on my insurance. . . it's just $50. Not exactly half of what I paid for the 6 months, but they're not giving up anything!
I found the 4th and 5th grade postcards I sent to Mom and Dad from my camp. They will go in my book.
Yesterday Margaret and I went to lunch. At the cash register the guy said, "Looks like it'll be in the winter." I couldn't figure out what he meant for a second, but then I realized that he thought I was pregnant. I said I had a "liver ailment" and that many made the same assumption. It never floors me at the time, but later I have to admit that it bothers me. I start thinking about it; I get mad at myself because there's no way for me to look stylish. I used to try to belt big tops and "blouse" them over pants. Now, it looks ridiculous. I never thought I could get this big; having to wear maternity clothes and such. . . but then, I never thought a lot of things. Swelling legs, going from a 31-I/2 inch span (in my middle) in the fall of '83 to a 39 inch middle now. (Normally I had a 24 inch waist… I thought I was enormous then!) It's funny, but it just keeps on going, and you have to accept it. At least my face is OK and I can enjoy some things. I can see and hear and am reasonably mobile. . .and I've known what it is to feel physically normal. Some people never do.
Sept. 13 through 15… Weather has been gorgeous! I've been able to sit outside. It always inspires me to write poetry. One is about how life never really changes.
Continuity
The tenth morn of December
I was severed from my mother's life,
Forced into a hostile world
And with a cry, drew my breath.
Christmas came, then New Year's Eve,
Yet nothing really changed.
Days passed by, and soon, years too.
My eyes focused on the world
Which offered more than it received.
I found love, and later, fear…
Then grief, and peace of mind;
I witnessed death and mourned for life. . .
Yet nothing really changed.
The world revolved and buried sorrow
In a mask of time.
Now I am weak,
The refuge of malignant death,
But still the seasons flicker on.
Leaves adrift, float to the ground,
While acorns burrow in the earth;
Remnants of life
And the hope thereof
Together meld as one.
When I depart,
Life slows not…
And nothing will really change.
Lauren Isaacson
September 15, 1985