Mom apologized for her earlier statement; she was tired and rather depressed. She said she "hurt" for so many people, she felt she was falling apart. I had been so afraid of hurting her with my confidences, afraid I wouldn't have anyone to confide in; I felt incredibly alone. I was so happy she came up; I don't think I could have handled such desperate loneliness. It was great to have a hug.
Nov. 5, 1985… I've neglected this journal; Dad made a frame for my pointalism of the Grand Canyon. I have it behind the sofa on the south wall; I really like it. Other events: Mom and Dad replaced Lynn's stone at the cemetery with a large stone for our entire family; Lynn, Norm, Mom, Dad, and me. They had not told me before, but I've been wondering; when they talk with me about death it is so different for it is spoken with love and deep caring.
We made up a memorial service for me from my writings; I have to select the poems I would like and then it will be complete.
Nov. 7, 1985… The "runs" again, but I was able to sit outside by afternoon. I wore the "Tahoe" sweatshirt Jon had sent some time ago plus my corduroy coat. It was about right. I wrote a poem while sitting there.
I wonder if I'll accomplish all that I truly wish to before I die. . . My book is progressing; I keep writing poetry too, so I have a lot done; a little at a time, and one day at a time! I'd love to finish the quilt and also calligraph some of my poems.
Whispering Pines
I heard the pine trees gossip
To the passing northern winds,
Disclosing facts quite true, yet low,
In hurried gusts and whispered blows.
"The hardwoods lost their haughty glow. . .
Amazing how fast glamour goes!
Now they're merely sapless sticks
Bereft of life, 'twould seem…
They look so gnarled, so thin and sick
Beside our evergreen!"
Lauren Isaacson
November 7, 1985
Nov. 22, 1985… The 17th I began to run a temp; it continued and by Mon. eve was 103 degrees. Mom tried giving me a cool bath. It was a "real thrill" trying to get down in the tub. (I fell in, and barely made it getting out… I have no strength in my arms or legs). Mom has been sleeping upstairs since I got sick. Food "sticks" so that I would welcome losing it. Mom has been serving me gingerale; it helps. I've lost weight. Noodles are the only food that appeals to me; it's at least a start.
I've not worked on my book since Nov. 7th. Many changes have taken place; even with my weight loss I can no longer wear my beloved mink coat; it's 2 and more like 3 inches from even touching right to left! And to think I was once but 24 inches around the waist! Sharon looks good with her disciplined weight loss. What emotional problems there are to be reckoned with in this life!