I may also allude here to another somewhat embarrassing circumstance which, had I not the good of my fellow-creatures at heart, might interfere with the progress of my narrative; and this is the morbid satisfaction which it seems to afford some people to claim for themselves the credit of being the most disagreeable or unworthy of those individuals with whom I am at present in contact. They would pretend, for instance, that there is no such person in society as Spiffington Goldtip, but that I mean him to represent some one else; and they take the 'Court Guide,' and find that no Lady Broadhem lives in Grosvenor Square, so they suppose that she too stands for some one else who does. Now, if I hear much of this sort of thing I shall stop altogether. In the first place, neither Spiffy nor Lady Broadhem will like it; and in the second, it is very disagreeable to me to be supposed to caricature my acquaintances under false names. The cap is made a great deal too large to fit any particular individual, so there is no use in trying it on; but when, perchance, I find groups of people acting unworthily, I should be falling into the same error for which I blame the parsonic body of the present day, if I shrank from exposing and cutting straight into the sores that they are fain to plaster and conceal. In these days of amateur preaching in theatres and other unconsecrated buildings, I feel I owe no apology to my clerical brethren for taking their congregations in hand after they have quite done with them.
People may call me a "physician" or any other name they like, and tell me to heal myself; but it is quite clear that a sick physician who needs rest, and yet devotes all his time and energies to the curing of his neighbours, is a far more unselfish individual than one who waits to do it till he is robust. Therefore, if I am caught doing myself the very things I find fault with in others, "that has nothing at all to do with it," as Lady Broadhem always says when all her arguments are exhausted.
Those of my readers who have taken an interest in her ladyship's speculations and in my endeavours to extricate her from her pecuniary embarrassments, may conceive our feelings upon hearing of the surrender of General Lee. I regret to say that, in spite of every device which the experience of Spiffy, of Lady Broadhem's lawyer, and of Lady B. herself could suggest, her liabilities have increased to such an extent in consequence of the rapid fall of Confederate stock, that I was obliged to take advantage of the Easter recess to run over to Ireland to make arrangements for selling an extremely encumbered estate which I purchased as a speculation some years ago, but have never before visited. This trip has given me an opportunity of enabling me thoroughly to master the Irish question. I need scarcely say how much I was surprised at the prosperous condition of the peasants of Connemara after the accounts I had received of them. When I "surveyed" my own estate, which consists of seven miles of uninterrupted rock, I regarded with admiration the population who could find the means of subsistence upon it, and whose rags were frequently of a very superior quality. I also felt how creditable it was to the British Government, that by a judicious system of legislation it should succeed in keeping people comparatively happy and contented, whose principal occupation seemed to me to consist in wading about the sea-beach looking for sea-weed, and whose diet was composed of what they found there. That every Irishman I met should expect me to lament with him the decrease by emigration in the population of a nation which subsists chiefly on peat and periwinkles, illustrated in a striking manner the indifference which the individuals of this singular race have for each other's sufferings; and it is quite a mistake, therefore, to suppose that absentee landlords, who are for the most part Irish, live away from their properties because they are so susceptible to the sight of distress that they cannot bear to look upon their own tenantry. To an Englishman nothing is more consoling than to feel that the Irish question is essentially an Irish question, and that Englishmen have nothing at all to do with it—that the tenant-right question is one between Irish landlords and Irish tenants—that the religious question is one between Irish Catholics and Irish Protestants—and that the reason that no Englishman can understand them is, because they are Irish, and inverted brains would be necessary to their comprehension. These considerations impressed themselves forcibly upon my notice at a meeting of the National League, which I attended in Dublin, the object of which was to secure the national independence of Ireland, and to free it from the tyranny of British rule. One of the speakers made out so strong a case for England, that I could only account for it by the fact that he was an Irishman arguing the case of his own country. "How," he asked, "is the English Parliament to know our grievances, when out of 105 members that we send up to it, there are not two who are honest? Why is not the O'Donoghue in the chair to-day? he is the only real patriot, and we can't trust him. Why are the Irish Protestants not true to themselves and the cause? Why, in fact, is there not a single man of the smallest position and influence either on the platform or in the body of the house, except myself, who am a magistrate of the county of Cork, and therefore unable to advocate those violent measures by which alone our liberties are to be gained? Is it because we have got them already? No; but because Irishmen do not care a farthing about them. Shame on them for their apathy," &c. It was pleasant to listen to this Irish patriot inveighing against his countrymen, and finally making England responsible for Irishmen being what they are. Bless them! my heart warmed towards them as I saw them at Queenstown trooping on board an emigrant-ship, looking ruddy and prosperous, bound on the useful errand of propagating Fenianism, of exhibiting themselves as choice specimens of an oppressed nationality, and of devoting their brilliant political instincts, their indefatigable industry, and their judicial calmness, to the service of that country which is at present in danger of suffering from a determination of blood to the head in the person of Andy Johnson. If anything can trim that somewhat crank craft "United States," let us hope that it will be by taking in Irishmen at the rate of one thousand per week to serve as ballast; for most certainly the best means of increasing the sailing qualities of the leaky old tub, "British Constitution," will be by inducing the ballast aforesaid to throw itself overboard. I was pitching and rolling abominably between Kingston and Holyhead as I drew this appropriate nautical parallel, and was not in a mood to relish the following announcement, which appeared in the pages of a fashionable organ, that happened to be the first journal I bought in England:—
"We are in a position to state that a marriage is arranged between Lord Frank Vanecourt, M.P., second son of the late Duke of Dunderhead, and Lady Ursula Newlyte, eldest daughter of the late Earl of Broadhem."
How I envied "our position," and what a very different one mine was! However, the notice served its purpose, for it prepared me for what I should have to encounter in London—the sort of running fire of congratulation I must expect to undergo all along Piccadilly, down St James's Street, and along Pall Mall. Should I simper a coy admission, or storm out an indignant denial? On the whole, the most judicious line seemed to be to do each alternately. The prospect of puzzling the gossip-mongers generally almost consoled me for the feeling of extreme annoyance which I had experienced. "The imbroglio must clear itself at last," thought I, "but it will be a curious amusement to see how long I can keep it from doing so;" and I bought an evening paper as I approached London, by way of distracting my mind. The first news which thrilled me as I opened it was the announcement of the assassination of President Lincoln. I am not going to moralise on this event now, and only allude to it as it affects the story of my own life. It saved me that evening from the embarrassment I had anticipated; for even when I went to the Cosmopolitan, I found everybody listening to Mr Wog, so that nobody cared about my private affairs, and it induced Lady Broadhem to make a secret expedition into the City of a speculative nature next morning, as I accidentally discovered from Spiffy. It is not impossible that the knowledge of this breach of faith on her part may prove a valuable piece of information to me.
I sauntered into "the Piccadilly" on the following afternoon, armed at all points, and approached the bay-window, in which I observed Broadhem and several others seated round the table, with the utmost insouciance. They had evidently just talked my matter over, for my appearance caused a momentary pause, and then a general chorus of greeting. Broadhem, with an air of charming naïveté and brotherly regard, almost rushed into my arms; but his presence restrained that general expression of frank opinion on the part of the rest of the company, with reference to my luck, with which the fortunate fiancé is generally greeted. Still, the characters of my different so-called "friends," and their forms of congratulation, were amusing to watch. There was the patronising, rather elderly style—"My dear Vanecourt, I can't tell you how happy the news has made me. I was just saying to Broadhem,"—and so on; then the free and easy "Frank, old fellow" and "slap on the back" style; then the "knowing shot" and "poke in the ribs" style; then the "feelings too much for me" style—severe pressure of the hands, and silence, accompanied by upturned eyes; then the "serious change of state and heavy responsibilities" style. Oh, I know them all, and am thankful to say the peculiar versatility of my talents enabled me to give as many different answers as there are styles. I am not such a fool as not to know exactly what all my friends said of the match behind my back: "Sharp old woman, Lady Broadhem; she'll make that flat, Frank Vanecourt, pay all the Broadhem debts;" or, "Odd thing it is that such a nice girl as Ursula Newlyte should throw herself away on such a maniac as Frank Vanecourt;" then, "Oh, she'd marry anybody to get away from such a mother;" again, "I always thought Vanecourt a fool, but I never supposed he would have deliberately submitted to be bled by the Broadhems." That is the sort of thing that will go on with variations in every drawing-room in London for the next few evenings. Now I am striking out quite a new line to meet the humbug, the hypocrisy, the scandal, and the ill-nature of which both Ursula and myself are the subjects. Thus, when Broadhem greeted me in the presence of the company, after I had received their congratulations with a good deal of ambiguous embarrassment, I appeared to be a little overcome, and, linking my arm in that of my future brother-in-law, walked him out of the room. "My dear Broadhem," said I, "for reasons which it is not necessary for me now to enter into, but which are connected with the pecuniary arrangements I am making to put your family matters straight, this announcement is a most unfortunate occurrence—we must take measures to contradict it immediately."
"Why," said Broadhem, "if it is the case, as you know it is, I don't see the harm of announcing it. To tell you the truth, I think it ought to have been announced sooner, and that you have been putting Ursula lately in rather a false position, by seeming to avoid her so much in society, because, you know, it has been talked of for some time past."
"Ah, then, I fancy the announcement was made on your authority," I said. "It is a pity, as I had made up my mind to postpone the ceremony until I had not only completed all my arrangements for putting your family matters square, but could actually see my way towards gradually clearing off the more pressing liabilities with which the estate is encumbered. You know what a crotchety fellow I am. Now, my plan is, clear everything off first, and marry afterwards; and unless you positively contradict the report of my marriage with your sister, I shall immediately countermand the instructions under which my lawyers are acting, and take no further steps whatever in the matter." I felt a malicious pleasure in watching Broadhem's face during this speech, as I was sure that he had done his best to spread the report of my marriage with his sister for fear of my backing out, and escaping from my obligations in respect to his financial embarrassments. It is only fair to him to state, that these were none of his own creating—he had been a perfect model of steadiness all his life. "It will be pleasanter for us both," I went on, "that the world should never be able to say, after my marriage with your sister, that you and your mother continue to live upon us. Now, I tell you fairly, that, for family reasons, this premature announcement renders it impossible for me to proceed with those arrangements which must precede my connection with your family."